SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS Book by Kyle Jarrow With New Songs By Yolanda Adams Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith Sara Bareilles Jonathan Coulton Alex Ebert of Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros The Flaming Lips Lady Antebellum Cyndi Lauper John Legend Panic! At the Disco Plain White T’s They Might Be Giants T.I. And songs by David Bowie Tom Kenny & Andy Paley Additional Lyrics by Jonathan Coulton Additional Music by Tom Kitt Music Supervision, Orchestrations and Arrangements by Tom Kitt Choreography by Christopher Gattelli Musical Production Conceived and Directed by Tina Landau
REVISED – November 29, 2017
CHARACTERS Principals SpongeBob SquarePants Patrick Star Sandy Cheeks Squidward Tentacles Eugene Krabs Sheldon Plankton Ensemble, with lots of doubling French Narrator (pre-recorded voice) Patchy the Pirate Karen, a computer Perch Perkins, a news anchor Pearl Krabs, a whale Mayor of Bikini Bottom Mrs. Puff, a pufferfish Larry the Lobster Old Man Jenkins Buster Bluetang The Electric Skates (3 of ‘em) Sardine Devotees Johnny the Bartender (briefly) Theater Security Guards (2) Pirates (a bunch) Gary the Snail (a puppet) Oh, and there's a live Foley Artist too!
MUSICAL NUMBERS Act 1 1. Bikini Bottom Day – The Town (by Jonathan Coulton) 2. Bikini Bottom Day Reprise – SpongeBob (by Jonathan Coulton) 3. No Control – Perch Perkins, The Town (by David Bowie and Brian Eno) 4. BFF – SpongeBob, Patrick (by Plain White Ts) 5. When the Going Gets Tough – Plankton, The Town (by T.I., Domani Harris and Darwin Quinn) 6. (Just a) Simple Sponge – SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, Sponges (by Panic! At the Disco) 7. Daddy Knows Best – Mr. Krabs, Pearl (by Alex Ebert of Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros) 8. Hero Is My Middle Name – SpongeBob, Sandy, Patrick (by Cyndi Lauper and Rob Hyman) 9. Super Sea Star Savior – Patrick, Sardines (by Yolanda Adams) 10. Tomorrow Is – The Town (by The Flaming Lips) Act 2 12. Poor Pirates – Patchy, Pirates (by Sara Bareilles) 13. Bikini Bottom Day Reprise – SpongeBob,(by Jonathan Coulton) 14. Bikini Bottom Boogie – The Electric Skates, Pearl, Fans (by Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith) 15. Chop to the Top – Sandy, SpongeBob (by Lady Antebellum) 16. (I Guess I) Miss You – SpongeBob, Patrick (by John Legend) 17. I’m Not a Loser – Squidward, Sea Anemones (by They Might Be Giants) 18. Simple Sponge Reprise – SpongeBob (by Panic! At the Disco) 19. Best Day Ever – SpongeBob, The Town (by Andy Paley and Tom Kenny) 20. Finale: Bikini Bottom Day Reprise – The Town (by Jonathan Coulton) Bows: The SpongeBob Theme Song – All (by Derek Drymon, Mark Harrison, Stephen Hillenburg and Blaise Smith)
PRESHOW As the audience enters, PATCHY THE PIRATE is set up in a front corner of the theater, right near the FOLEY ARTIST’s rig. Patchy is in a folding camping chair, surrounded by dozens of pieces of SpongeBob merchandise. The weirder the merch items, the better. Patchy is getting pumped up for the show—almost like he’s tailgating, Broadway-style. He chats with various audience members as they pass, telling them how incredibly excited he is for SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS THE MUSICAL. He is the President of the SpongeBob Fan Club, after all. He has a big sign that says so. As house lights go to half, Patchy runs up onto the stage. He could not be more excited. He’s got his cellphone out (complete with SpongeBob case) and he’s snapping photos of anything and everything. PATCHY Excuse me, everyone! Ahoy up there! Before the show starts, can I get a group photo? Smile! (he takes a selfie with the audience) Thank you! I want to remember this moment forever. I’m about to see SpongeBob, right here on. He’s interrupted by TWO SECURITY GUARDS who come barrelling down the aisle. SECURITY GUARD 1 Sir! You need to get off the stage. The show’s about to start. PATCHY And I couldn’t be more excited! I’m SpongeBob’s #1 Fan. Patchy the Pirate. SECURITY GUARD 2 (gesturing to the merch) This is your junk? PATCHY Those’re my collectibles - brought all my favorites with me from Encino.
2. Patchy holds up his cellphone. Its giant yellow case is one of his favorite collectibles.
SECURITY GUARD 1 Sir, put away the phone, there’s no filming allowed. PATCHY But I’m making a pirate copy! SECURITY GUARD 2 (to Security Guard 1, disgusted) Get this jokester out of here. Security Guard 1 starts toward Patchy. PATCHY What? No! I came to see SpongeBob! SECURITY GUARD 1 Come on, one eye. Security Guard 1 grabs Patchy to drag him down the aisle. Patchy, offended, shouts as he goes. PATCHY What did you call me? This is pirate discrimination! Peg leg phobia! Yo ho we won’t go! Yo ho we won’t go! Yo ho we won’t go! Security Guard 2 stays behind to address the crowd. SECURITY GUARD 2 Alright! It’s time to turn off your cellphones… stop your facebooking and your instagrams… And no pictures or videos during the performance. I can see your screen, ma’am, don’t even try me. Now y’all enjoy the show. Lights shift…
ACT 1 SCENE 1: BIKINI BOTTOM In the darkness, the gentle strains of HAWAIIAN MUSIC. We hear the voice of the French Narrator. FRENCH NARRATOR Ahh… bonjour, salut and welcome to this quiet corner of the ocean floor, teeming with all the many kinds of undersea life. A plethora of SEA CREATURES are revealed. It is here we find the sub-marine habitat known as Bikini Bottom. The Sea Creatures display a POP-UP MODEL VERSION OF BIKINI BOTTOM. Let us observe now as the sun rises on a new nautical day. The sun rises on the mini-Bikini Bottom. Here, we see an ordinary cluster of kelp. The creatures gesture to a cluster of pool noodles (that’s the kelp). And here. a common clumping of coral. They gesture to a clump of colorful party cups (that’s the coral). And here… a pineapple? They gesture to the show curtain, made entirely of sponges (this is, for the moment, SpongeBob’s pineapple.) This fruit is home to one of the most fascinating sea creatures of all. Aplysina fistualis. The yellow sponge. SPONGEBOB is revealed.
*SONG: BIKINI BOTTOM DAY – by Jonathan Coulton There’s the blaring sound of Spongebob’s FOGHORN ALARM CLOCK. He snaps awake. SPONGEBOB Good morning world, and all who inhabit it! JUMP OUT OF BED, MIX UP A BREAKFAST FOR MY FAVORITE PET SNAIL. SpongeBob’s pet snail GARY appears and utters his characteristic sound— Meow.
SPONGEBOB FULL STEAM AHEAD, THE S.S. “I AM READY” IS ABOUT TO SET SAIL. THIS KIND OF DAY COULDN’T GET MUCH BETTER BUT IT KEEPS ON TRYING. I’M ON MY WAY, SOMEWHERE THERE’S A KRABBY PATTY THAT NEEDS FRYING. SpongeBob grabs a spatula and flips an imaginary Krabby Patty burger into his mouth. SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) AND WHO’S THE LUCKY SPONGE IN THE MIRROR WHO IS LIVING HIS DREAM? WHO’S ALWAYS EXTRA CAREFUL WITH HIS DENTAL HYGIENE? His arm STRETCHES across the room as he brushes his teeth. SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) GARY IT’S ME! HAPPY JUST TO BE HERE IN THE WORLD RENOWNED BIKINI BOTTOM! HOW I LOVE THIS TOWN, BIKINI BOTTOM, WHEN THE SUN SHINES DOWN ON A BEAUTIFUL BIKINI BOTTOM DAY. SpongeBob goes to his door and opens it to the outside.
5. Our view widens to include Patrick’s Rock. Patrick is revealed. He lets out a giant YAWN.
SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) Good morning Patrick! PATRICK It’s morning already? SPONGEBOB Yep, and I’m singing an opening number! PATRICK Ooh I want a verse! I want a verse! (now he sings) I MISSED A SNACK, THIS BUSY SCHEDULE MAKES IT HARD TO BE ME TO STAY ON TRACK, NOW I’LL HAVE TO EAT IT WHILE I’M WATCHING TV THERE MIGHT NOT BE TIME FOR A NAP BUT I’LL DO WHAT I CAN THEY’RE SHOWING ALL THE EPISODES OF SPONGEBOB & PATRICK “MERMAID MAN” PATRICK EVERY SINGLE ONE I’M SPENDING ALL DAY UNDERNEATH A backup trio of GIRL-FISH, holding rocks, appear from behind the rock. They join Patrick’s song. PATRICK (CONT’D) GIRL FISH MY FAVORITE ROCK FAVORITE ROCK BIKINI BOTTOM!
PATRICK GIRL FISH NOW WHAT RHYMES WITH ROCK? RHYMES WITH ROCK SPONGEBOB BIKINI BOTTOM! PATRICK GIRL FISH NOTHING RHYMES WITH ROCK. RHYMES WITH ROCK IT’S A TYPICAL BIKINI BOTTOM DAY -KINI BOTTOM DAY
SPONGEBOB No, Patrick, it’s a beautiful day. And a lot of things rhyme with rock. I don’t think so.
SPONGEBOB Sure: clock, smock, electroshock… (Aha! Best one yet!) Pop and lock! With that, Patrick starts BEATBOXING and SpongeBob launches into a popping-and-locking routine, complete with two HIP HOP DANCERS. All the noise awakens SQUIDWARD. He pops out of his Easter Island Head house. SQUIDWARD Would you two please keep it down? The Hip Hop Dancers are instantly gone. SPONGEBOB & PATRICK Good morning, Squidward!! SQUIDWARD Another day, another migraine. SpongeBob and Patrick freeze. Spotlight on Squidward. SQUIDWARD (CONT’D) WHEN I WANT SOME QUIET THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO, A SENSITIVE ARTISTE CAN'T GET A MOMENT'S PEACE WITH THESE TWO SQUIDWARD (CONT’D) ENSEMBLE IDIOTS IN STEREO – IDIOTS! STEREO! THEY NEVER GO AWAY – NEVER GO AWAY TYPICAL BIKINI BOTTOM DAY SpongeBob and Patrick unfreeze. SPONGEBOB It’s a great day, Squidward. In fact, I’d say this could be the best day ever. SQUIDWARD You say that every day.
SPONGEBOB And it’s always true. Bye, Patrick! See you at work, Squidward! SQUIDWARD What did I do to deserve this? FRENCH NARRATOR We now follow SpongeBob past the Treedome—home to a creature seldom seen here on the ocean floor. A squirrel (a squirrel is projected) from Texas (a cowboy hat is added to the projection). This is Sandy Cheeks the scientist, hard at work on her latest invention. There’s a huge flash and a puff of smoke. As it clears, SANDY CHEEKS is revealed with her newly-minted JETPACK. She greets SpongeBob. Hi, Sandy!
SANDY Howdy, SpongeBob! A group of COWBOY FISH appear to back Sandy up. SANDY COWBOY FISH GEE GOLLY THAT WAS CLOSE… IT’S JUST A LITTLE SMOKE, A MINOR SETBACK. SETBACK A FEW MORE HOURS AT MOST AND I’LL BE DONE WITH THIS HERE BRAND NEW JETPACK! JETPACK AND THEN THIS TEXAS SQUIRREL, THIS COUNTRY GIRL, OOH WILL SPREAD HER WINGS AND FLY; MY BUSHY TAIL A COMET’S TRAIL OOH CLEAR ACROSS THE SKY, SANDY AND COWBOY FISH ABOVE THE TOWN AND LOOKING DOWN ON A TYPICAL BIKINI BOTTOM DAY! DAY! DAY! Suddenly, the music is interrupted by a RUMBLING SOUND. The ground shakes. Sandy and SpongeBob react.
SANDY What in chicken-fried tarnation was that? SPONGEBOB I dunno, but I kinda liked it. SANDY ‘Scuse me, SpongeBob. I’m gonna go power up the ol’ seis-o-mograph. Sandy heads off. SPONGEBOB I’m off to work too, at the greatest restaurant there is! He peels off too and the lights shift. FRENCH NARRATOR Ah yes, the Krusty Krab. Bikini Bottom’s most popular dining establishment, home to the Krabby Patty. Owned and operated by Mister Eugene Krabs. MR. KRABS is revealed, beside the Krusty Krab sign. FRENCH NARRATOR (CONT’D) And across town, the least popular restaurant: the Chum Bucket, run by Sheldon J. Plankton. Lights up on the Chum Bucket and PLANKTON, a tiny creature several inches tall. Now he’s in one spotlight and Krabs is in the other. FRENCH NARRATOR (CONT’D) Two arch nemeses locked in a fast food cold war. Mr. Krabs sings. MR. KRABS WINDS FROM THE WEST EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK THE SKIES ARE CLEAR AND SUNNY GOOD WEATHER’S BEST WHEN YOU’RE IN THE MOOD TO MAKE A TON OF MONEY PLANKTON LAUGH WHILE YOU CAN; UNTIL THE DAY YOU LAUGH NO MORE, FOREVER (FOREVER)
PLANKTON (CONT’D) I’VE GOT A PLAN; AND I WENT TO COLLEGE SO YOU KNOW IT’S CLEVER. Plankton’s computer wife, KAREN, enters. She responds with a sigh and an eye-roll— KAREN With you, there’s always another plan. PLANKTON Quiet, computer wife, this time it’ll work! I’ll make everyone love my chum burgers through the power of hypnosis. (he chuckles to himself) It’s almost too easy. He holds up a DVD package. Karen magnifies its cover for us: “BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO HYPNOSIS: IT’S ALMOST TOO EASY.” PLANKTON (CONT’D) Soon they’ll all see. I may be small, but my genius is immense! KAREN Come on, Sheldon. It’d take forever to hypnotize the whole town. PLANKTON (hurt) You used to enjoy my evil schemes. KAREN What can I say? After twenty years of marriage, the magic’s gone. Focus shifts back to Mr. Krabs. MR. KRABS THEY SAY THAT MONEY DOESN’T MATTER WHEN YOU LOVE YOUR WORK WHO WOULD SAY THAT? PROBABLY SOME PENNILESS JERK! PLANKTON SOON THE DAY WILL COME WHEN THEY’LL ALL LOVE CHUM! IT’S JUST A MATTER OF TIME BIKINI BOTTOM
KAREN AND MR. KRABS
PLANKTON TIL I GET THEM IN LINE! BIKINI BOTTOM
KAREN AND MR. KRABS
PLANKTON AND THIS TOWN IS ALL MINE PLANKTON, MR. KRABS, KAREN JUST A TYPICAL BIKINI BOTTOM DAY. Focus back on SpongeBob as he continues through town, all grins. THE MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM passes by, eyes on her shellphone. SpongeBob shouts to her— SPONGEBOB Good morning, Ms. Mayor! MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM Pipe down, I’m governing here! (she hits a button on her shellphone and we hear the distinctive sound of a “Tweet” being fired off) Now SpongeBob passes by MRS. PUFF. Hello, Mrs. Puff!!
SPONGEBOB She’s startled by SpongeBob and lets out a little shriek.
MRS. PUFF SpongeBob, please, I almost spilled my kelp-accino. Now LARRY THE LOBSTER passes by, pumping dumbbells in his claws. SPONGEBOB Heya, Larry the Lobster! LARRY THE LOBSTER (dodging SpongeBob) Watch where you’re going, puny dude. I’m getting these claws swole! SpongeBob spots OLD MAN JENKINS.
SPONGEBOB Hi, Old Man Jenkins! Old Man Jenkins doesn’t hear him—he’s halfdeaf. So SpongeBob shouts louder. HELLO!! Get off my lawn!
SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) OLD MAN JENKINS Even this, SpongeBob takes in with a grin.
SPONGEBOB Hello lawn! Hello street! (to the CONDUCTOR) Greetings Maestro! (to the FOLEY ARTIST) Hello guy making all the sounds! Hello sky! Hello flowers! Hello… Bikini Bottom. The curtain rises to reveal the town of Bikini Bottom. It’s an explosion of life and color and characters: onstage and around the audience. An immersive plunge into a swirling world of wacky creatures and psychedelic sights. GROUP 1 GROUP 2 ON MY WAY! HEY! THE PULSE IS PUMPING THE PULSE IS PUMPING AND THE TRAFFIC’S FIN TO FIN AND THE TRAFFIC’S FIN TO FIN WHAT A DAY HEY! LOOKS LIKE THE WEATHER IS LOOKS LIKE THE WEATHER IS THE BEST IT’S EVER BEEN THE BEST IT’S EVER BEEN SPONGEBOB WE’VE GOT THE BEST SUN EVER GROUP 1 GROUP 2 IT’S SUNNY WEATHER YEAH, SUNNY WEATHER IN THE FLOW WHOA! SWIM WITH THE CURRENT SWIM WITH THE CURRENT ‘TIL IT CARRIES YOU ALONG ‘TIL IT CARRIES YOU ALONG
GROUP 1 GROUP 2 (CONT’D) HERE WE GO WHOA! ANOTHER BUSY DAY WHERE ANOTHER BUSY DAY WHERE NOTHING WILL GO WRONG NOTHING WILL GO WRONG ALL I WILL ALWAYS VOW AND PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THIS TOWN THAT I HOLD DEAR FOR ALL ARE WELCOME HERE BIKINI BOTTOM BLUE YES, I’LL STAY TRUE TO GROUP 1 GROUP 2 THE BIKINI BOTTOM WAY BIKINI BOTTOM WAY BIKINI BOTTOM WAY BIKINI BOTTOM WAY BIKINI BOTTOM WAY BIKINI BOTTOM WAY GROUP 1 GROUP 2 BIKINI BOTTOM WAY BIKINI BOTTOM WAY BIKINI BOTTOM WAY BIKINI BOBIKINI BOTTOM WAY BIKINI BOTTOM WAY SPONGEBOB ALL OTHERS AND IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER AHH!
SPONGEBOB, SANDY, PATRICK ALL OTHERS IN THE WORLD RENOWNED IN THE WORLD WORLD RENOWNED BIKINI BOTTOM OUR OWN HOME TOWN OWN HOME TOWN BIKINI BOTTOM!
SPONGEBOB, SANDY, PATRICK ALL OTHERS (CONT’D) AND THE SUN AND THE SUN SHINES DOWN SUN SHINES DOWN THE SUN SHINES DOWN SUN SHINES DOWN YES THE SUN SHINES DOWN SUN SHINES THE SUN SHINES DOWN DOWN IT’S A TYPICAL – INCREDIBLE! – A REGULAR – EXCEPTIONAL – AN ORDINARY –
ALL OTHERS SPONGEBOB ALL OTHERS SPONGEBOB ALL OTHERS
SPONGEBOB EXTRAORDINARY – ALL BIKINI BOTTOM DAY! SPONGEBOB GROUP 1 GROUP 2 WORLD REKNOWNED WORLD REKNOWNED WORLD REKNOWNED BIKINI BOTTOM DAY DAY DAY
The song ends. Lights shift.
14. SCENE 2: THE KRUSTY KRAB SpongeBob strolls into the Krusty Krab. Squidward is there behind the cash register.
SPONGEBOB I can’t wait for another fine day at the finest eating establishment ever established for eating. SQUIDWARD And here I thought it was a third-rate greasepot. SPONGEBOB The finest third-rate greasepot, where I am proud to be Fry Cook of the Month. SQUIDWARD You’re the only fry cook. He leans his hand on the stovetop. It starts to burn. SpongeBob doesn’t even notice. SPONGEBOB There should be a prize for that too. Squidward points out SpongeBob’s burning hand. SpongeBob smiles, then flips it like a burger. SQUIDWARD Riiiight. I, for one, have my sights set beyond this place. I’ve been developing a one-man show starring an as-yet-undiscovered young, handsome. and very leggy. talent. I call it: Tentacle Spectacle, the Musical. We see a quick flash of the PlayGill program! SQUIDWARD (CONT.) (CONT’D) My mother (he gazes lovingly at the heavens) always said I belonged on the stage. Mr. Krabs has arrived during the tail end of that line, and overheard it. His response— MR. KRABS You’d make a great tree. Now look sharp, boys, my precious whale daughter is here! Pearl!
15. His daughter PEARL (a whale), bounds onstage. She’s got a shell phone to her ear.
MR. KRABS (CONT’D) Just soak it in, me darlin’ daughter—one day this’ll all be yours. PEARL Hey girl. Call you back. (she hangs up) MR. KRABS Soon as you graduate high school, I’ll start you as manager. PEARL But Da-ad! I have my own dreams. MR. KRABS Like what? Listenin’ to that boy band fourteen hours a day? PEARL (teenaged pout) They’re called the Electric Skates. SPONGEBOB Uh, Mr. Krabs? If she doesn’t want to be manager, I know someone who’d be great for the job. MR. KRABS You?? A fry cook is all you’ll ever be. You’re just a simple sponge, boy. And yet somehow you don’t seem to absorb very much. He laughs. Then suddenly the whole entire town is laughing at SpongeBob (at least in his mind). Suddenly it all freezes, and we “ZOOM IN” for a close-up on SpongeBob. Music begins. *SONG: BIKINI BOTTOM DAY REPRISE – by Jonathan Coulton SPONGEBOB WHY CAN’T THEY SEE? I WORE MY GOOD SHOES AND I'VE GOT MY TIE ON. MAYBE IT'S ME AM I JUST A SIMPLE SPONGE YOU CAN'T RELY ON? ALL I WANT IS SOMEONE TO NOTICE WHO I AM DO YOU HAVE MAKE ME SAY IT OUT LOUD? COME ON MR. KRABS, THIS IS MORE THAN JUST A JOB,
SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) LET ME SHOW YOU, LET ME MAKE YOU PROUD. I’VE BEEN WAITING PATIENTLY TO BE THE SPONGE I’M MEANT TO BE WON’T ANYONE BELIEVE IN MEEEEE-SpongeBob is interrupted by a GIANT RUMBLE. Everything on stage shakes. SpongeBob tries again.
Yet another RUMBLE. SQUIDWARD Um. Is that something we should worry about? Nah.
SPONGEBOB But then, lights snap up on news anchor PERCH PERKINS. He speaks with urgency and intensity. Think: cable news in a moment of crisis.
PERCH PERKINS Breaking news: that is something we should worry about! After today’s second unexplained tremor, smoke has been sighted at the top of Mount Humongous—the long-slumbering volcano of doom. On screen: MOUNT HUMONGOUS is revealed, looking very scary indeed. Smoke is rising from the top of the mountain. PERCH PERKINS (CONT’D) And now, a live statement from the mayor of our town. Lights rise on the Mayor of Bikini Bottom. MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM Ladies and gentlefish, if this mountain erupts, orange rivers of steaming lava will obliterate all we know and love. (abrupt beat shift, placid smile) Don’t worry, your government has everything under control.
MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM (CONT’D) I’m starting an initiative to assemble a committee to identify a strategy to evaluate the situation. In the meantime, all citizens must return home and remain indoors. The threat level is now Code Orange. Focus snaps back to the Krusty Krab. Underscoring begins. MR. KRABS Nooo! This means we’re going to have to… (it’s hard for him to even get out the words) close for the day. Meanwhile, SpongeBob is looking out at the street, watching all the denizens of Bikini Bottom as they hurry home. SPONGEBOB I don’t get why everyone’s so worried. Sure, that volcano might destroy everything. But on the other hand, it might not. SQUIDWARD When are you going to learn, SpongeBob? The world is a horrible place filled with fear, suffering and despair. (beat, then) Also dashed hopes, shattered dreams, broken promises and abject misery. SPONGEBOB (with giant grin) But it’s our horrible place… with the best abject misery there is! Squidward, Krabs and Pearl all groan and exit, leaving SpongeBob alone. SpongeBob looks over at Perch Perkins. SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) They’ll see: everything’s under control. Right? Perch shakes his head, ominously, and starts to sing.
18. SCENE 3: BIKINI BOTTOM
* SONG: NO CONTROL – by David Bowie and Brian Eno PERCH PERKINS (singing to SpongeBob) NO FISH KNOWS THE FUTURE, NOT A SINGLE SHARK OR SOLE IT’S ALL DERANGED – NO CONTROL SPONGEBOB Don’t you think you’re being a little negative? PERCH PERKINS OTHERS THE TOWN IS UNDER CURFEW AHH THE FISH-POLICE ARE ON PATROL AHH IT’S ALL DERANGED - NO CONTROL AHH - NO CONTROL All around the stage, citizens of Bikini Bottom are hurrying home in fear. MR. KRABS PEARL, COME WITH ME. LET'S STAY IN TODAY I NEED TO MAKE SURE ME MONEY'S OKAY PEARL BUT DADDY, NO FAIR! MY TRIP TO THE MALL! DOES THIS MEAN I CAN'T GO SHOPPING AT ALL? PERCH PERKINS OTHERS CRISIS AND DISASTER CRISIS AND DISASTER FUTURE AS BLACK AS COAL NO IT’S ALL DERANGED- NO CONTROL IT’S ALL DERANGED- NO CONTROL SQUIDWARD STUCK HERE AT HOME, BUT I'M NOT UPSET AN EVENING ALONE WITH MY CLARINET PATRICK OTHERS THIS COULD TAKE A WHILE, SO I SHOULD RELAX BUT THE STORES ARE ALL CLOSED AND I’M OUT OF SNACKS! AHH OUT OF SNACKS NO CONTROL!
19. SpongeBob strolls by Sandy, who holds a stack of scientific printouts.
SPONGEBOB LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA - SANDY SpongeBob, what are you doing out of your pineapple? Everyone’s supposed to be inside. SPONGEBOB It’s going to be fine. The Mayor said she’ll handle it. And everyone knows, you can always trust the government. SANDY Well I’ve got news, hot off the griddle. (holding up a stack of printouts) I did some calculations… and that volcano is gonna erupt, as sure as a rhinestone cowboy at a disco rodeo. I figured out when, too. It’s gonna happen at sundown tomorrow. The stack of printouts accordion out of Sandy’s hands and onto SpongeBob’s foot. Okay Sandy, but.
SANDY I’m serious as a guacamole shortage at a taco party! Suddenly a white board appears, on which Sandy shows images to illustrate her findings. SANDY (CONT’D) I determined the timeline through analysis of seismic activity, gas emissions, geomagnetic and gravimetric changes. Over the next 36 hours, tremors will increase and boulders will fall, eventually leading to a cataclysmic eruption which will completely destroy Bikini Bottom. The End is nigh. The end End?
SANDY (Sandy nods, sings gently) THE SCIENCE IS CLEAR, I’M AFRAID IT’S TRUE THE END’S REALLY HERE. THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO.
SANDY ENSEMBLE AND IF I READ THESE BUM BA BUM BUM BA BUM BUM BA BA NUMBERS RIGHT BUM BA BUM BUM BA BUM BUM SANDY OUR TIME IS UP…. TOMORROW NIGHT! (belt) Tomorrow…?
SANDY TOMORROW NIGHT!!
OTHERS TOMORROW NIGHT?
PERCH, SANDY, SPONGEBOB NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! – NO CONTROL!
SPONGEBOB SOPRANO/TENOR BIKINIANS THE END IS COMING!
PEARL ALTO/BARITONE BIKINIANS THE END IS COMING!
PERCH SOPRANO/TENOR BIKINIANS THE END IS COMING!
SANDY, SPONGEBOB, PATRICK & PERCH MANY BIKINIANS THE END IS COMING! I CAN'T BELIEVE THE END IS COMING! I'VE NO CONTROL THE END IS COMING! THE END IS COMING! IT'S ALL DERANGED THE END! THE END! IS! IS! COMING! THE END IS COMING! DEEERANGED THE END! THE END! IS! IS! COMING! THE END IS COMING! DEEEEERAAAANGED - THE END IS -
21. ALL A GIANT DOOMSDAY CLOCK is erected in the center of the town. It has a giant clock hand that’s ticking slowly toward the words “THE END”.
ALL (CONT’D) Tick. tick.
ALL (CONT’D) Everyone stops screaming except for Patrick…
22. SCENE 4: PATRICK’S ROCK Patrick is running around in circles around his couch. Freaking out.
PATRICK SpongeBob comes bursting in.
SPONGEBOB Patrick! (Patrick doesn’t hear him; he’s screaming too loudly. So now SpongeBob screams even louder) PATRICK! This finally stops Patrick. SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) You have to pull it together! Breathe… in, out… eyes here. PATRICK (hyperventilating) But you don’t understand… I’m stuck inside and I can’t watch any of my shows. Because all that’s on TV is THIS! He pulls out his TV remote and turns it on. We hear— PERCH PERKINS (FROM TV) The end is coming! The end is coming— SpongeBob clicks off the TV. SPONGEBOB Hey buddy, I get it. I get stressed out too sometimes. Like when Mr. Krabs says I’m not manager material. PATRICK (confused) Manager material? You mean like polyester? SPONGEBOB He said I’d never be more than a fry cook. PATRICK What? (suddenly and massively offended on his best friend’s behalf) You are the most dependable, most responsible, most absorbent sponge I’ve ever met.
PATRICK You just want some respect. I get that. I mean, I have a lot of great ideas, but no one ever pays attention to — SPONGEBOB (interrupting him) We’re getting off topic, Patrick. The point is, we’re gonna get through this emergency together. And we don’t need television, as long as we have. SPONGEBOB PATRICK . imaginaaaaaation! . ice cream! (correcting himself) . imagination. SPONGEBOB Right! Because we’re B-F-F. PATRICK B-F-F. (trying to sound it out) Bfffffff? SPONGEBOB Best Friends Forever. I still don’t get it.
PATRICK SpongeBob sings.
*SONG: BFF - by Plain White Ts SPONGEBOB I GOT YOU, AND YOU GOT ME. I DON’T NEED MY GLASSES ON TO SEE WE'RE BOTH PRETTY LUCKY. STUCK INSIDE WITH NO TV, STILL I’M STUCK WITH YOU SO I’M AS HAPPY AS CAN BE! LETS HAVE SOME FUN TOGETHER, WE’LL BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER, BFF THAT STANDS FOR US. PATRICK There’s nothing more fun than mindless entertainment, SpongeBob.
Eh. MAYBE SO, BUT ALL I KNOW IS RIGHT HERE WE’VE GOT ALL WE NEED TO MAKE TODAY PRETTY SPECIAL LET’S EXPLORE, OPEN EVERY DRAWER PATRICK HEY, YOU FOUND MY LONG LOST CHEESE! SPONGEBOB THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR! LETS HAVE SOME FUN TOGETHER, PATRICK YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER, BOTH BFF THAT STANDS FOR – And now, a spontaneous dance break. PATRICK & SPONGEBOB We’re best friends and this is the friend dance! We’re best friends and this is the friend dance! We’re best friends and— Then, abruptly and ridiculously, they transition into the next section of the song. BOTH EVERY LITTLE THING THAT I CAN THINK OF DOING JUST SOUNDS BETTER DOING IT TOGETHER. EVERY LITTLE THING THAT I CAN THINK OF DOING JUST SOUNDS BETTER DOING IT TOGETHER DOING IT WITH YOU! SPONGEBOB Hey! Check this out. He pulls on one end of the couch and it expands, slinky-style. SpongeBob shouts at his friend from the far end.
SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) The Incredible Stretching Sofa! It’s alivvvvve!
PATRICK He shakes it to make it “alive” like a giant worm. But it slips out of his grip.
PATRICK (CONT’D) It got away! (as the couch hits SpongeBob, knocking him over) You okay? SPONGEBOB (grinning, as he gets up) Sure! What’s a minor concussion between friends? PATRICK Ooh ooh, I have an idea… Patrick runs over, and with SpongeBob’s help turns the couch into a hot tub. Bubbles start rising out of it. SPONGEBOB I love me some bubbles in my bath. PATRICK I love me some bubbles anywhere. SPONGEBOB Okay, since you’re so into bubbles, I’m gonna make you the biggest baddest bubble ever! They turn the couch into a giant bubble. SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) FLOATING HIGH LIKE A BUBBLE IN THE SKY FEELING GOOD JUST LIKE I SHOULD AND YOU'RE THE REASON WHY! LET'S HAVE SOME FUN TOGETHERPATRICK WE'LL BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER BOTH BFF THAT STANDS FOR US
26. Three giant-sized letters – B F F – enter dancing and circle around the friends.
BOTH (CONT’D) THIS CAN'T GET ANY BETTER YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER BFF THAT STANDS FOR US BFF THAT STANDS FOR US BFF THAT STANDS FOR… SPONGEBOB AND PATRICK. THAT STANDS FOR US. OH! As the song ends, there’s the sound of an AIR RAID SIREN. We hear the voice of the Mayor over a loudspeaker. MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM All citizens report to the town square! All citizens to the town square! SpongeBob and Patrick exchange a look, then head out. Lights shift as the stage fills with Bikinians…
27. SCENE 5: BIKINI BOTTOM TOWN SQUARE The Mayor addresses an assembled crowd.
MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM (CONT’D) Ladies and gentlefish, we only have until sundown tomorrow. But I will lead us through this crisis by setting meetings to encourage dialogue about drafting proposals for eventual action. SQUIDWARD So, we’re doomed. I’m scared! Me too!
SARDINE 1 SARDINE 2
SARDINE 1 We need someone to save us! MRS. PUFF What we need is a task force. MR. KRABS Force? Mrs. Puff. ye-es. We can build a giant force field around Bikini Bottom. SANDY Only problem is, force fields don’t actually exist. Bummer.
LARRY THE LOBSTER
OLD MAN JENKINS I say we find whoever’s to blame for all this. Yes!
SANDY There’s no one to --
OLD MAN JENKINS And offer them to the volcano as a sacrifice!
MR. KRABS Does anyone have a plan that can actually work? PATRICK Ooh ooh I do! Call on me! Me me me me! MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM Yes, enthusiastic sea star? PATRICK If we all close our eyes, maybe nothing will happen. Beat. The Sardines nod slowly, solemnly accepting this as wisdom. So. Deep.
SQUIDWARD No it’s not. It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. PATRICK Hooray! (realizing what he said) Wait… SANDY I’ve got it. We can find a way to halt the exponential increase of pyroclastic flow in the subterranean magma chamber. SPONGEBOB Yeah, what she said. (beat) What did she say? SANDY Science, y’all. That’s the answer! The crowd seems excited by this possibility. Then everyone freezes… and we ZOOM IN on Plankton and Karen. PLANKTON I have a new scheme, Karen, my best one yet. But for it to work, I need them to stay scared.
KAREN What’re you talking about? The end is coming, this is no time for one of your schemes.
PLANKTON Oh yes it is. What you said was true: it would take too long to hypnotize each of them into loving my chum burgers. But when fish are scared, they school together. If I get them all in one place, trapped where there’s nowhere to run, I can hypnotize them in bulk! First, though, I need to shut down this squirrel. Now we snap out of our “close up.” Plankton shouts to the crowd— PLANKTON (CONT’D) Ahem! Excuse me! MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM Yes? Speak up, tiny citizen. Plankton glares. He hates being called “little.” Then… PLANKTON Do any of you actually believe that science can save us? Various Townsfish mumble “yes”, “sure” and “sounds pretty good to me.” PLANKTON (CONT’D) (biting sarcasm) Oh come on. Next she’ll tell us tidal warming is real! Now some Townsfish start grumbling. They’re starting to lose faith in Sandy. She bristles and defends herself. SANDY I’m been studyin’ Bikini Bottom for years now. With a little time to dig through my research… PLANKTON We only have until sundown tomorrow.
30. Various sounds of agreement from the crowd. He has a point. The crowd is starting to turn against Sandy.
SANDY If you’d just trust me… PLANKTON Why should we trust you? You’re not even from here. OLD MAN JENKINS Yeah. You’re a land mammal. SANDY Since when does that matter? OLD MAN JENKINS Things are different now. Our town is under attack. Sandy recoils. Hit hard by that. PLANKTON (to the crowd) You know what they say, folks: when the going gets tough… BUSTER BLUETANG (sounding pumped) The tough get going! PLANKTON No, the tough get lost. Confused sounds from the assembled crowd: “Huh?” “What?” Among them we hear. LARRY THE LOBSTER Dude, that is not the saying. Plankton is worried. He doesn’t want to lose them. Everyone freezes and Plankton turns to Karen. PLANKTON I need to sell them on my plan, Karen, but it won’t be easy. I’m going to need to do it in song. Give me some music. (when she hesitates) Please. Karen sighs and reluctantly obliges, providing him with some country-fried music.
31. Which is not what Plankton was hoping for. He shakes his head, rejecting it.
PLANKTON (CONT’D) No. That won’t win over anyone. Karen does some jazz scatting. Plankton doesn’t like that either. PLANKTON (CONT’D) No no, too cerebral. I need something with mass appeal. (an idea) Give me a beat, Karen. A hip hop beat. KAREN Come on, Sheldon. You couldn’t rap if your life depended on it. Oh yeah? Watch.
PLANKTON He starts the song very uncomfortable and straight – a one-celled organism trying to rap for the first time in his life.
* SONG: WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH – by T.I., Domani Harris and Darwin Quinn Over the course of the song, Plankton wins more and more of the Townsfish over to his point of view. And the more Townsfish he wins, the more confident he becomes in his performance. PLANKTON (CONT’D) THIS TASK FORCE IS FOR LOSERS I’VE GOT THE PERFECT PLAN RIGHT NOW THE GETTIN’S GOOD, SO LET’S GET OUT WHILE WE CAN LOOK, LAVA’S PRETTY HOT LET’S GIVE IN TO OUR FEAR DISASTER’S ON ITS WAY THAT MEANS WE CAN’T SPEND NO MORE TIME IN HERE! YOU ALL KNOW WHO I AM EVIL GENIUS? GIANT BRAIN? YOU CAN’T STOP A VOLCANO, I MEAN, ARE YOU ALL INSANE?
PLANKTON (CONT’D) THE ONES WHO STAY WILL ALL BE VAPORIZED WITHOUT A DOUBT BEFORE THAT SUCKER BLOWS WE’VE GOT TO GET THE FISH OUT! KAREN (FISH OUT, FISH OUT, FISH OUT) Suddenly four fish appear to serve as Plankton’s Backup Singers/Dancers. PLANKTON BACKUPS
So let’s go. UH LE-GO And be gone. AND BE GONE Uh le-go. UH LE-GO And be gone. AND BE GONE UH LE-GO UH LE-GO AND BE GONE AND BE GONE UH LE-GO UH LE-GO AND BE GONE AND BE GONE CUZ WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST SO LE-GO AND WE GONE LET’S BE GONE! Karen has been watching Plankton as he performs, and as his confidence grows. He’s getting more and more swagger with every line.
33. Karen is impressed with him, for the first time in a long while. SpongeBob, however, doesn’t like where this is going.
SPONGEBOB HOLD ON, PLANKTON I AM SIMPLY SHOCKED BIKINI BOTTOM IS OUR HOME I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’D TALK ABOUT JUST WALKING OUT LET’S FIGURE OUT A WAY TO STAY TODAY, TOMORROW I FEEL SORROW, I FEEL FEAR BUT I’M NOT LEAVING HERE. WHO’S WITH ME? I am!
SANDY But before any else can join SpongeBob, Plankton interrupts.
PLANKTON OH THE SIMPLE SPONGE IS TALKING FASCINATING, DO GO ON! THE FRY COOK HAS A PLAN, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, CAUSE I’LL BE GONE YOU DON’T JUST WAIT AROUND WHEN YOU’RE UNDER ATTACK, NO, YOU— RUN LIKE CRAZY
PLANKTON OUT THE BACK YOU GOT ONE DAY LEFT GO HOME AND PACK!
BACK UP FISH ONE DAY LEFT GO HOME AND PACK!
PLANKTON OTHERS CUZ WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST SO LE-GO AND WE GONE LET’S BE GONE! The music vamps. PLANKTON Of course, mass evacuation is no simple feat. We’ll need to leave together, in a vessel that can trap us all… (quick correction) I mean fit us all. A Giant Escape Pod. He holds up a mail order catalogue: GIANT ESCAPE PODS R US. The crowd cheers. PLANKTON (CONT’D) This Pod will take us far away from here, to build a new home. We’ll call it… PEARL (shouting a suggestion) Bikini Line! Bikini Wax! Brazilian!
LARRY THE LOBSTER MRS. PUFF
PLANKTON No. Chumville! (after the crowd’s “HUH?”) Because… we’re all… chums. Mr. Krabs interrupts. MR. KRABS Hold on, tiny dancer. I wasn’t hatched yesterday. This sounds like another one of your schemes. PLANKTON At a time like this? How could you think such a thing?
MR. KRABS You’ve got something up your sleeve. PLANKTON I’m a one-celled organism. I don’t even have sleeves. OHHHHHHH….! OHHH!
PLANKTON Watch this, Karen. Break it down now! Dance Break! And then, Plankton speed raps. PLANKTON (CONT’D) COMING UP AS ONE OF MANY, MOM AND DAD HAD PLENTY MORE OF ME, AND 20/20 VISION, NEVER HAD IT, SO I HAD TO BE A DEVASTATING CONVERSATING LUMINOUS COMMUNI- CATOR, HOPING LATER EVERY HATER OF THIS LITTLE TINY NERDY ME WOULD PAY. YOU NEVER HEARD OF ME? OKAY I AM A GIANT, I DON’T GIVE IT UP, I LIVE IT UP, I’M FLOATING IN THE SALINE, RUNNING FROM THE BALENE, CUZ I AM A CELEBRATED SINGLE CELL OF CILIATED CEREBELLIC GENIUS HEH! HEH! HEH! UH LE-GO
PLANKTON/GROUP 1 KAREN/ GROUP 2 UH LE-GO AND BE GONE AND BE GONE UH LE-GO
PLANKTON & KAREN GROUP 1 GROUP 2 OHH UH LE-GO AND BE GONE AND BE GONE WHOA UH LE-GO UH LE-GO AND BE GONE AND BE GONE WHOA UH LE-GO UH LE-GO AND WE GONE AND WE GONE AND WE GONE
PLANKTON/OTHERS OTHERS MAYOR CUZ WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH WHEN THE GOING EEE GETS TOUGH NEEE THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO GET LOST THAT MEANS IT’S AH-SO TIME TO GET LOST GLUM-LEE WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH TAY WHEN THE GOING AHH GETS TOUGH THAT MEANS IT’S TAH TIME TO GET LOST THAT MEANS IT’S EEE- TIME TO GET LOST NY AND WE GONE YES WE GONE LET’S BE GONE SO LE-GO!
The song ends. MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM Well, Plankton, it seems your plan is the will of the fish. PLANKTON (aside to Karen) It worked, Karen. They listened to me. They treated me like I was their size.
SPONGEBOB Wait everyone - we can’t just leave! The Mayor ignores him. MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM We’ll order the escape pod, cash on delivery (she accepts the catalogue from Buster Bluetang) – thank you, Buster Bluetang. (she looks down at the ESCAPE POD CATALOG) Expedited shipping by 6pm next business day. Just in time to get us out before sundown tomorrow. And it only costs (beat) Neptune’s Trident! There aren’t enough clams in all Bikini Bottom to pay for this! SPONGEBOB I guess we’ll have to stay. The fish are losing faith in Plankton’s plan. He can’t let that happen. PLANKTON No! (trying to figure out a solution) We can… uh, we can raise the funds, from every corner of these seven seas. SQUIDWARD By sundown tomorrow? There's not a chance in kelp. LARRY THE LOBSTER Yeah, the only way I ever give money is if a celebrity asks. Plankton is starting to feel defeated… when Pearl chimes in excitedly. PEARL That’s it! We could have a benefit concert! PLANKTON I have an idea: we could have a benefit concert. One of those charity shelle-thons. We’ll broadcast far and wide. MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM We can have the concert tomorrow afternoon. SQUIDWARD I have the perfect piece for the occasion: Tentacle Spectacle the Musical. I’ll give you a little taste. Maestro!
38. He gestures to the band to play.
SQUIDWARD (CONT’D) LOOK OUT WORLD, ‘CAUSE HERE I COME… Larry the Lobster cuts him off. LARRY THE LOBSTER Whoa! Dude! You are not a celebrity. PEARL But the Electric Skates are. We should get them to play! Several other teenagers shout in agreement. MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM Who loves the Electric Skates and is old enough to vote? (Many fish raise hands) Then the Electric Skates it shall be. Pearl lets out a delighted scream. PEARL AAAAH! I’m going to meet them. Mr. Krabs decides to nip that in the bud. MR. KRABS You’re not meeting anyone, young lady. You’re staying inside. MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM And don’t worry Squidward, we won’t leave you out. You can be Official Concert Organizer. You’ll cater to the band’s every crazy whim and unreasonable demand. SQUIDWARD Actually, that doesn’t sound very… MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM (barreling over him) Yes, tomorrow afternoon’s concert will raise the money to pay for the pod that will make the move to our new home in Chumville! Start packing. It won’t be long before we kiss our Bikini Bottom goodbye. The crowd starts dispersing.
39. The focus shifts to SpongeBob, watching everyone leave. He’s dismayed. He goes to Sandy and pleads.
SPONGEBOB We can’t abandon our home. SANDY They’ve made up their minds, SpongeBob. About me too. SPONGEBOB You need to tell them again, we can use science to— SANDY (shaking her head) They’re not going to listen to a land mammal. With that, Sandy exits too. SPONGEBOB (to himself) We can’t just give up. MR. KRABS (to SpongeBob) Let it go, boy. There’s nothing you can do. I told you before: you’re just a simple sponge. Now he too leaves. Everyone has left the stage now except for Spongebob. Mr. Krabs’ words… A SIMPLE SPONGE… continue to echo in SpongeBob’s mind as music begins. SpongeBob sings. *SONG: (JUST A) SIMPLE SPONGE – by Panic! At the Disco SPONGEBOB SURE, I SPEND MY DAYS FLOATING AROUND HEAD IN THE BUBBLES AND MY FEET ON THE GROUND, BUT THERE IS MORE TO ME THAN JUST MY NAME GIVE ME A CHANCE AND I COULD CHANGE THE GAME. AND MAYBE ONE DAY, MR. KRABS, YOU’LL SAY "THE KRUSTY KRAB’S YOURS, IT’S YOUR LUCKY DAY!”
SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) THAT IS WHAT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED, THEN I CAN FINALLY SAY I’VE DONE IT. At this point, a CHORUS OF SPONGE SINGERS enter and back up SpongeBob. SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) LET ME HAVE ADVENTURE, BE A CONTENDER - AND MORE CHORUS 'CAUSE YOU’RE NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE SPONGEBOB I WISH HE’D SEE I’M NOT JUST THE SPONGE-NEXT-DOOR CHORUS NO, YOU’RE NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE. SPONGEBOB THERE’S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY, A WAY TO SAVE THIS TOWN I LOVE. BUT HOW CAN I STOP THE END OF THE WORLD? AM I JUST A SIMPLE SPONGE? CHORUS NO, YOU’RE NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE. SPONGEBOB SO WHAT IF I’M A SPONGE? IT’S WHAT I WANT TO BE THERE ISN’T ANYONE WHO STRETCHES LIKE ME EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH, TWO YEARS IN A ROW UNDISPUTED MASTER OF MY OWN DOJO AND EVERYONE HERE KNOWS THAT THEY CAN DEPEND ON THIS EXPERT JELLYFISHER WHO’S A TRUSTED FRIEND SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) I CAN EAT A LOT OF ICE CREAM I CAN EVEN PLAY MY NOSE LIKE: He plays his nose.
SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) CHORUS LET ME HAVE ADVENTURE, BE A CONTENDER OOH - AND MORE. CHORUS 'CAUSE YOU’RE NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE. SPONGEBOB CHORUS CAN’T HE SEE I’M NOT JUST OOH THE SPONGE-NEXT-DOOR? CHORUS NO, YOU’RE NOT A SIMPLE – SPONGEBOB I WISH THAT I COULD TURN BACK TIME; I NEVER THOUGHT MY WORLD COULD END; I ONLY WANNA HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS; SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) CHORUS BUT FEAR I FEAR IS DRAGGING US DOWN, OOO NOW THERE'S PANIC THAT’S NOW THERE’S PANIC THAT’S RUN AMOK RUN AMOK IN MY SIMPLE TOWN! SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) CHORUS NO! JUST GIVE ME ADVENTURE, NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! I’M A CONTENDER – AND MORE OH CHORUS ‘CAUSE YOU’RE NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE SPONGEBOB CHORUS I WILL SHOW I’M NOT JUST OH THE SPONGE-NEXT DOOR! CHORUS NO, YOU’RE NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE. SPONGEBOB CHORUS I’M GONNA FIND A BETTER WAY, OH A WAY TO SAVE THE LIFE I LOVE. OH AND I AM GONNA STOP THE END OF THE – AND I AHH END OF THE –
42. Mr. Krabs appears in SpongeBob’s mind— floating above him.
MR. KRABS NO, YOU’RE JUST A SIMPLE SPONGE SPONGEBOB (answering the voice in his head) No, Mr. Krabs! I’ll find a way to stop that volcano! We’ll use science, like Sandy said. MR. KRABS YOU ARE STILL A SIMPLE SPONGE. SPONGEBOB CHORUS We can use her jetpack to get to the top! AHH Wait, pretty sure it’s only built for one. MR. KRABS SEE? YOU ARE A SIMPLE SPONGE. SpongeBob is fighting against his doubt (as embodied by Mr. Krabs) as he continues to work out his plan. SPONGEBOB CHORUS We’ll have to climb it, then. Patrick can help AHH withthat, he’s super strong. Sandy’s brains plus Patrick’s brawn plus my… (he’s stumped) MR. KRABS YES, A VERY SIMPLE SPONGE. SPONGEBOB I’m not sure what my thing is. AHH AHH But that won’t stop me. When the going gets tough, this sponge gets going! SPONGEBOB CHORUS NO, I’M NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE!! I AM NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE! LET ME HAVE ADVENTURE BE A CONTENDER AND MORE The Sponge Chorus comes back to full glorious life as Mr. Krabs fades away. SpongeBob’s confidence has won the day.
SPONGE CHORUS THEY WILL SEE YOU’RE NOT JUST THE SPONGE-NEXT-DOOR! YEAH YEAH YEAH! SPONGEBOB I AM NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE!! NOW AT LAST –
SPONGEBOB CHORUS I HAVE FOUND A WAY YOU HAVE FOUND A WAY A WAY TO SAVE THIS TOWN I LOVE! A WAY TO SAVE THIS TOWN I LOVE! I’M NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE I AM NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE Lights shift.
44. SCENE 6: BIKINI BOTTOM Spotlight on Perch Perkins, standing by the Doomsday Clock.
PERCH PERKINS Apocalypse now! (Citizens scream) Wait, I misread that. (reads again) Apocalypse tomorrow! (Citizens breathe a sigh of relief… then scream) I’m here in the heart of Bikini Bottom, where the Doomsday Clock is… (the clock ticks) ticking down. Just 29 hours left before the end. (looking right out at the audience/camera) How will you spend them? Squidward is revealed. He answers Perch Perkins’s question. SQUIDWARD I’m going to find a way to play the biggest stage in Bikini Bottom. I’ve waited too long for my moment in the sun, Mama… this is my chance. Now Larry the Lobster is revealed, in a proud patriotic stance. LARRY THE LOBSTER I’m going to do my patriotic duty in this gnarly hour. (saluting) Ms. Mayor, this dude is ready to serve. Lights up on Mrs. Puff, sitting at a bar. MRS. PUFF I’m going to do all the living I should’ve done before. (to a bartender) Gimme another kelp juice, Johnny. Carpe diem! JOHNNY THE BARTENDER (offended) Who’re you calling a carp? Now Old Man Jenkins is revealed. He too answers the newscaster’s question. OLD MAN JENKINS I’m going to find someone to blame for all this! (Sees a fish) You! A FISH I’m an upstanding citizen!
ANOTHER FISH What about the squirrel? That whole “science” thing is pretty suspicious. A FISH Not only that. (whispered) she has lungs. They all shake their heads in harsh judgment of this difference. A couple of “Eeews” are uttered. Two Fish in Fedoras appear. FISH IN FEDORAS Yeah! This is a gill town! OLD MAN JENKINS We don’t want her kind here. Let’s blame the squirrel! The others join him. OLD MAN JENKINS WITH MOB Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel! They run offstage. As they do, SpongeBob crosses the stage and hurries into…
46. SCENE 7: THE KRUSTY KRAB Mr. Krabs is hurriedly packing up his things when SpongeBob rushes in.
SPONGEBOB Hey Mr. Krabs! Guess what? We won’t have to leave Bikini Bottom after all. I’m putting together a team to save our town. Krabs is utterly dismissive. MR. KRABS Good luck. I’m packing. (shouting offstage) Pearl honey, how’s it going in there? Are ya packed yet? Pearl comes out, holding two outfits. PEARL No! I can’t decide which one to wear for The Electric Skates. MR. KRABS For the last time, get it through your blowhole: you are not meeting those sting-ray degenerates. But Da-ad.
MR. KRABS You’ve got your priorities all wrong. We’re in a crisis here—and when you’re in a crisis, there’s only one thing you can depend on. PEARL You mean family? No. Community?
MR. KRABS SPONGEBOB
MR. KRABS (shaking his head) You’re kidding, right?
* SONG: DADDY KNOWS BEST – by Alex Ebert of Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros MR. KRABS WHEN TIME IS SHORT AND THE END IS NEAR IT’S IMPORTANT TO IDENTIFY WHAT YOU HOLD DEAR IT’S CLEAR, PEARL YOUR DADDY ALWAYS KNOWS BEST PEARL You don’t understand me. Maybe it’s because we’re not the same species. Which is pretty weird, now I think about it… MR. KRABS LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT COUNTS MORE THAN ALL THE REST (to SpongeBob, spoken) Close yer eyes, boy, this part’s not for you. SpongeBob dutifully shuts his eyes. And Mr. Krabs starts revealing money everywhere! He travels to numerous hiding places on the stage where he’s stashed his cash for years. MR. KRABS (CONT’D) MONEY MONEY MATTERS MOST! MONEY MONEY I CAN BOAST! MONEY MONEY MAKE A TOAST TO! MONEY! MONEY! MONEY! HAH! The lights shift as we go inside Pearl’s head and hear her inner thoughts. PEARL I SHOULD BE MY DADDY'S GREATEST PRIZE BUT INSTEAD HE'S GOT DOLLAR SIGNS IN HIS EYES. DADDY, YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL I CARE ABOUT IS ROCKING OUT WITH MY FAVORITE BAND! We see in silhouette (in Pearl’s mind) three crazy-haired rock stars: THE ELECTRIC SKATES. YA YA YA…
PEARL OH, THE FEELING THAT IT CREATES -
48. ELECTRIC SKATES
PEARL WHEN I HEAR THE ELECTRIC SKATES! MR. KRABS (Making sounds with his coins) Can you hear it, Pearl?! ENSEMBLE MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY PEARL DADDY CAN YOU HEAR ME? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT ALL? ENSEMBLE MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MR. KRABS PEARL MONEY MONEY IN THE AIR! DADDY CAN YOU HEAR ME? MONEY MONEY EVERYWHERE! DADDY CAN YOU HEAR ME? MONEY MONEY DO NOT SHARE- CAN YOU HEAR ME, OH DADDY! MONEY! DADDY! MONEY! DADDY! MONEY! HAH! As Mr. Krabs kisses and dances with his money, Pearl sings even louder. Father and daughter cannot hear each other. MR. KRABS PEARL MONEY MONEY I’ll STAY TRUE! DADDY CAN YOU HEAR ME? MONEY MONEY JUST US TWO! CAN YOU HEAR ME? MONEY MONEY I LOVE YOU! CAN YOU HEAR ME? DADDY! MONEY! MR. KRABS PEARL DADDY! MONEY! MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY DADDY DADDY DADDY DADDY
MR. KRABS I’m sorry, Pearl. Were you trying to say something? MONEY!
MR. KRABS PEARL DADDY! As the song ends, Pearl is wiping tears from her eyes. And SpongeBob’s are still closed.
SPONGEBOB Excuse me? Can I open my eyes now? (he does, and sees that Pearl is crying) Hey, don’t cry. PEARL I just want to find someone who looks at me the way daddy looks at money. (leans closer to whisper) And I am going to meet the Electric Skates. There’s nothing he can do about it. Mr. Krabs doesn’t hear this because he’s on his own track, continuing his “teaching moment.” MR. KRABS Now ya see, Pearl, our fellow fish are feeling frightened and vulnerable. Which means there’s just one thing to do: exploit them to make even more money! I’m launching a new ad campaign. “One More Krabby Patty Before The End!” Suddenly, in struts a FISH IN A KRABBY PATTY COSTUME, pushing a table stacked with Krabby Patties and a sign advertising “Apocalypse Special.” Mr. Krabs shouts to the world. MR. KRABS (CONT’D) Get your Krabby Patties now, before it’s too late! Townsfish come flooding on to buy Krabby Patties. Mr. Krabs puts Pearl and SpongeBob to work, forcing them to fry up and pass out the patties. Until they all freeze in place and we CUT TO—
SCENE 8: THE CHUM BUCKET / THE KRUSTY KRAB Focus shifts across the stage to where Plankton stands with Karen. He’s been watching Mr. Krabs and his customers through his telescope. PLANKTON Little does he know, the tables will soon turn! KAREN I’m not sure what’s gotten into you, Sheldon, but this is a very good scheme. Once they’re all trapped in the escape pod, they’ll be easy to hypnotize. By the time we reach Chumville, everyone will love chum. Thus the name.
KAREN (gently) I got that. PLANKTON Soon, fast food domination will be mine! Mwahahahaha! KAREN You know -- I’d forgotten how much I like hearing you gloat. Their eyes meet. Attraction crackles between them. Is love rekindling. Just then, a RUMBLING QUAKE begins. PLANKTON Oh Karen, it’s been years since I’ve felt this close. Gazing into your screen right now, I feel the very earth move under my feet. It is moving.
KAREN The quake increases in intensity. Over in the Krusty Krab, Perch Perkins cries out.
PERCH PERKINS Breaking news! A giant boulder is rolling down from Mount Humongous! And it’s headed… this… way!
51. Our focus shifts to a giant RUBE GOLDBERG machine which—after a quick (and absurd) series of moves—shoots a boulder onto the stage.
SPONGEBOB Don’t worry, I’ve got it! SpongeBob tries to wrestle with the boulder, to divert it or stop it, but to no avail. The boulder rolls past him and offstage. There’s the sound of an OFFSTAGE CRASH as the boulder crushes something. At which point, everyone but SpongeBob SCREAMS and runs off in various directions. The last to go is the FISH IN THE KRABBY PATTY COSTUME, who runs about hysterically for several beats before fleeing. SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) I guess everyone was right. This will be the end. unless I can stop it. Gotta get my team together! (Steeling himself, he mutters as he heads off) You are not a simple sponge, you are not a simple sponge… He heads purposefully across the stage to—
52. SCENE 9: PATRICK’S ROCK SpongeBob bursts in to find Patrick sitting sprawled out on his couch, half-stuffed suitcase beside him, scratching his bellybutton with an odd-looking implement.
SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) Get ready, Patrick! I have a plan to save the town and I need your help. We’re gonna climb the volcano and use science to stop it from blowing. PATRICK (he totally wasn’t listening) Huh? Sorry. I found this great bellybutton scratcher while I was packing, and we’ve been having a reaaaaaally nice time together. SPONGEBOB Patrick, I need to know: are you with me? PATRICK I'm right here, hello? SPONGEBOB No I mean ARE YOU WITH ME METAPHORICALLY UNTIL WE ACTUALLY START WITH THE TOWN-SAVING? PATRICK I DON’T KNOW WHAT METAPHORICALLY MEANS BUT YES I’M WITH YOU! SPONGEBOB Then welcome to the team. PATRICK (getting excited now) Our team needs a name. (thinking) How about Team… PatBob. SPONGEBOB I prefer SpongeRick. PATRICK PatBobSpongeRick? SPONGEBOB I like it. Now we have to go get Sandy. Team Member Number Three.
53. Suddenly, FIVE SARDINES burst in and run over to Patrick.
SARDINE 1, 2, 3, 4 & 5 Mr. Star! Mr. Star! SPONGEBOB (to Patrick) Were you expecting all these sardines? SARDINE 1 We heard what you said at the town meeting -SARDINE 4 & 5 “If we close our eyes, maybe nothing will happen.” SARDINE 1 And we understood: it’s only by shutting out the turmoil of the world that we can find salvation. SARDINE 2 & 3 Give us more wisdom, O Pink One! Eeeee!
ALL SARDINES The Sardines all stare at Patrick.
PATRICK Um. (He thinks for a moment, then says) Sometimes my bellybutton itches. (He scratches) And then it doesn’t. SARDINE 4 We see what you mean. PATRICK (whispering to SpongeBob) What do I mean? SARDINE 1 All suffering shall pass.
SPONGEBOB (aside to Patrick) All suffering shall pass.
ALL SARDINES More wisdom! Give us more! PATRICK (trying to think of a really good one now) Life… smells… weird.
54. ALL SARDINES
SARDINE 2 Let’s go spread the good word. ALL SARDINES Eeeee! (as they run offstage) Life smells weird! Life smells weird! Patrick and SpongeBob are left perplexed. SPONGEBOB What was that all about? PATRICK Who knows, but it’s nice to get some respect for a change. (Re: the sardines) Finally, someone understands: the inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. SPONGEBOB Come on, Patrick. We have to go find Sandy. As they hurry off, Perch Perkins is revealed. His reporting is as intense and drama-filled as ever. PERCH PERKINS Here in the heart of the Bikini Bottom, the Doomsday Clock just keeps on - Spotlight on the DOOMSDAY CLOCK. It ticks ominously. TICK. TICK. PERCH PERKINS (CONT’D) Ticking. And with every hour, panic spreads. The streets now swarm with a cult of fanatical sardines… The Sardines run across the stage, fanatically chanting. SARDINES Life smells weird! Life smells weird! Life smells weird! The Sardines disappear offstage. PERCH PERKINS And an angry mob of mammal-haters.
55. Old Man Jenkins and the Angry Mob enter, chasing after Sandy. The Mob is brandishing pitchforks and torches now.
ANGRY MOB Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel! Sandy hides, evading the mob. Once they’re gone, she steps out into the clear. She looks over to see two Fish in Fedoras spraypainting a wall with the words “LAND MAMMALS GO HOME.” They stare her down, then go. Sandy is crushed. She says, sorrowfully, to herself… SANDY I thought this was my home. Guess I was wrong. She shakes her head, then starts to walk. FRENCH NARRATOR Let us now follow Sandy as she takes refuge in Jellyfish Fields, one of the great wonders of the undersea world. Lights shift to reveal…
56. SCENE 10: JELLYFISH FIELDS Iridescent jellyfish float onstage and up the aisles, gently glowing as they swim. All is quiet and peaceful. Sandy gazes at the jellyfish.
SANDY (to herself) Sure is beautiful. I reckon I’ll miss this place the most of all. SpongeBob and Patrick come running in. PATRICK Sandy! Hey Sandy! SPONGEBOB We’ve been looking for you everywhere! SANDY I’ve been hiding. That mob’s turned me into a scapesquirrel. PATRICK Aw, who’s afraid of a little ol’ mob. SANDY Did you not see the pitchforks?? SPONGEBOB It’s terrible what they’re doing. But that doesn’t change the fact we have a volcano to beat—and we need you on the team. Brains (ie. her), brawn (ie. Patrick), and… though I may not have a special skill to bring to the table, I’m coming too. SANDY They don’t want my help, they want me gone. And I can take a hint. SPONGEBOB You can’t leave. This is your home. SANDY It’s not, SpongeBob. Let’s face it, I’ve never fit in here. Then again, I never really fit in Texas either.
57. Sudden lighting shift, and Texan underscoring begins. A bunch of small stuffed squirrels – in cowboy hats – now appear and float around Sandy’s head.
SANDY (CONT’D) I was always the odd rodent out. No one knew what to make of girlsquirrel who was into science and martial arts. She swings her nunchuks, and the squirrels are knocked out. A couple of Jellyfish swim away, frightened. SANDY (CONT’D) (Realizing) I’ve never felt at home anywhere, really. And now it’s time to dig up my acorns again and push on. The Texan music ends, and the squirrels are gone. SPONGEBOB Okay, I understand you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do… acorns and all. But first, we need your help. Music begins. SpongeBob sings to Sandy. * SONG: HERO IS MY MIDDLE NAME – by Cyndi Lauper and Rob Hyman SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) IF THE WORLD IS GONNA END TOMORROW WALLOWING IN SORROW ISN’T WHERE I WANT TO BE, CAUSE THERE ISN’T A CATASTROPHE Uh, hello?
SPONGEBOB THAT COULD EVER MEASURE UP TO ME - SANDY, JUST TRY IT AND SEE! COME ON Try what?
SPONGEBOB HERO IS MY MIDDLE NAME. FIXING TROUBLE IS MY GAME. It’s a good game.
SPONGEBOB JUST GIVE IT THE OLD KNOW-HOW - THERE’S NO BETTER TIME THAN NOW. DON’T GIVE UP AND DON’T GIVE IN, Patrick joins in, helping to convince Sandy. PATRICK Yeah! IF YOU’RE THINKIN’ SINK OR SWIM SPONGEBOB The right answer’s swim. COURAGE IS YOUR CLAIM TO FAME WHEN HERO IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME – SPONGEBOB & PATRICK AND HERO IS OUR MIDDLE NAME! SANDY That’s nice, boys, but mine’s Jennifer. And no one believes my science is real. SPONGEBOB YOUR MACHINES THEY MADE A REAL PREDICTION IT’S NOT SCIENCE FICTION SANDY BUT NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN AT ALL WHEN THE WRITING'S ON THAT OLD SEA WALL SPONGEBOB BUT YOUR FRIENDS NEED YOU TO HEED THE CALL SPONGEBOB & PATRICK ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL! COME ON! PATRICK HERO IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME
SANDY No it’s not. We just went over that. PATRICK FIXING TROUBLE IS YOUR GAME SPONGEBOB & PATRICK JUST GIVE IT THE OLD KNOW HOW THERE’S NO BETTER TIME THAN NOW SPONGEBOB After what that mob’s done, I understand why you’d want to leave. But we (him and Patrick) need you. Patrick can help climb the volcano, but you have to handle the stopping-it-from-erupting part. Because we have no clue how and time is running out really really fast. But no pressure. SANDY Pressure! Yes! I think I have an idea. The music shifts. Sandy’s white board rolls on again, showing complicated technical diagrams of her numbered points. SANDY (CONT’D) Figure 1: Diagram of a volcanic eruption, caused by rapid pressure buildup in a subterranean magma chamber. Figure 2: if this pressure is released, no eruption will occur. Ipso facto – I can design an explosive device, figure 3, to drop in the mouth of the volcano, figure 4, with a timer set to detonate at the precise moment of eruption, figure 5, unleashing a deluge of bubbles that’ll release the pressure and prevent the blast! Beat. You lost me at 1.
SANDY Point is, this could work. I reckon I can have this bubble device built by tomorrow morning. SPONGEBOB So you’ll stay and help us? SANDY (she nods, deciding) Boys, I’m still gonna push on from this town o’ yours, but you’re my friends. So first, I say we give this idea a shot.
SPONGEBOB Three heroes, to the rescue! SANDY Team of tres, to the top! Us…go!
SANDY, SPONGEBOB & PATRICK SO COME ON HERO IS OUR MIDDLE NAME FIXIN’ TROUBLE IS MY GAME SANDY I’M UP AND I WON’T BACK DOWN. SANDY, SPONGEBOB & PATRICK AND WE’RE GONNA SAVE THIS TOWN! SANDY l AM SANDY HEAR ME ROAR, WON’T BE PLAYIN’ SWEET NO MORE! COURAGE IS MY CLAIM TO FAME ‘CAUSE HERO IS MY MIDDLE NAME ALL THREE AND HERO IS OUR MIDDLE NAME! HERO IS OUR MIDDLE NAME! HERO IS OUR MIDDLE NAME! End in a triumphant tableau. As play-off music begins, Sandy fixes her eyes on the wall with the graffiti: “LAND MAMMALS GO HOME.” She decides something’s gotta be done about that. She gestures to SpongeBob and Patrick. they hurry over and grab each side of the wall. Then Sandy takes a running start and karate kicks through the wall, breaking it in half! Yeah!
SANDY, SPONGEBOB & PATRICK Lights shift as they exit together.
61. SCENE 11: BIKINI BOTTOM Squidward crosses the stage, serving in his reluctant role as Official Concert Organizer. He’s holding a clipboard, checking things off.
SQUIDWARD Alright, gotta get this concert organized. The drumkit will go here… confetti cannons there and there… And posters, of course. The Electric Skates… (dramatic pause) with very special guest SQUIDWARD Q. TENTACLES! I still remember that night, my third-grade talent show, the other fish calling me Loser! Loser! To this day, when I hear that word, something in me just SNAPS! (he almost snaps, then pulls himself together) But you got me through it, Mama. You told me someday I’d play the Bikini Bottom Bandshell. Before time runs out, I will prove you right. I’m a pretty squid, Mama, and I’m going to show them what I’ve got! Hit it! The band strikes up and Squidward sings. SQUIDWARD (CONT’D) LOOK OUT WORLD– But before he can finish the line, he’s interrupted by SpongeBob, Sandy and Patrick barreling in. It’s his second experience with Singing Interruptus. SPONGEBOB Hey Squidward, good news. We’re going to save Bikini Bottom! Plankton comes in now, having just heard this. Karen follows. PLANKTON What’re you talking about?! Explain yourself, rhombus slacks. SPONGEBOB Sandy’s going to build an ingenious bubble device to stop the volcano. SQUIDWARD Did you say an ingenious bubble device to stop the volcano? SPONGEBOB Yes, an ingenious bubble device to stop the volcano.
SANDY I’ll work on a better name. SPONGEBOB And all we have to do is climb to the top of Mount Humongous and drop it in! SQUIDWARD (starts laughing, takes him a moment to stop himself.) You’re kidding, right? Nobody’s ever made it to the top alive. SPONGEBOB When you say nobody, do you mean that as a figure of speech, or…? SQUIDWARD I mean nobody ever, period, full stop, exclamation point. SpongeBob gulps in fear. Very loudly. Squidward exits, shaking his head at these rubes. PATRICK Don’t worry, buddy, we can do this. I’ll be with you the whole way, no matter what. ZOOM IN on Plankton and Karen. Plankton is concerned. PLANKTON That sponge is the biggest threat to my plot. He tried to stop me at the town meeting, and now this. If somehow they do manage to climb that mountain… KAREN We have to make sure they don’t live long enough to reach the top. PLANKTON I like how you’re thinking, Karen. And you know. you just said “we”. KAREN (realizing herself) I guess I did. PLANKTON I’m so glad you want to scheme with me again. It’s just like the old days.
63. Some Slo Jam saxophone starts to play; Karen produces the image of a romantic fireplace on her screen.
KAREN I guess it took a little apocalypse to spice things up. PLANKTON (looking back at the friends )It’s going to be fun to finish these fools forever. KAREN I love it when you alliterate. They exit together. Meanwhile—SpongeBob, Sandy and Patrick are looking toward Mount Humongous. SANDY We’ve got this, boys. Come tomorrow, we’ll be on that mountain like a smoked sausage on a hickory grill. Suddenly we hear something from offstage. SARDINES (OFFSTAGE) Patrick Star! Patrick Star! SPONGEBOB Hey, do you hear that? SARDINES (OFFSTAGE) Patrick Star! Patrick Star! Sounds familiar.
PATRICK The SARDINES pour onto the stage. They’re now dressed in flowing robes, with large stars on their chests.
SARDINES Patrick Star! Patrick Star! Patrick Star! It’s the sardines.
PATRICK And they got some great outfits. They surround Patrick and sing. *SONG: SUPER SEA STAR SAVIOR – by Yolanda Adams SARDINE DEVOTEE 1 I BELIEVE I FOUND THE STAR SARDINE DEVOTEE 2 I BELIEVE I FOUND THE SUPER STAR SARDINE CORP WE BELIEVE WE FOUND THE SUPER STAR SEA STAR WHO WILL SAVE US ALL PATRICK STAR!
SPONGEBOB Sorry to interrupt, but we have some very urgent business to– The Sardines just keep on singing. SARDINE 1 WE'VE BEEN HOPING, WE'VE BEEN SEARCHING EVERYWHERE SARDINE 2 AND WE FINALLY FOUND THE ANSWER TO OUR PRAYER SARDINE 3 HE SAID WE SHOULD CLOSE OUR EYES SARDINES 1, 2, 3 WHICH MADE US REALIZE MORE SARDINES THAT PATRICK IS THE ONE WHO WILL SAVE US FROM OUR DEMISE SARDINE 1 MORE SARDINES SO GIVE IT UP GIVE IT UP RAISE THE SOUND RAISE THE SOUND TELL EVERYONE TELL EVERYONE TO GATHER AROUND
SARDINE 2 MORE FOR WE HAVE FOUND AHH STAR OUR SHINING STAR YES HE IS OH YEAH ALL SUPER SEA STAR SAVIOR – PATRICK STAR!! PATRICK (to Spongebob and Sandy, excitedly whispering) Guys, I think they’re singing about me. SANDY (sarcasm) We hadn’t noticed. C’mon now, we have a mission here. But Patrick is too busy with the Sardines. PATRICK THIS IS WEIRD, YOU GUYS, BUT I LIKE HAVING ALL YOU AROUND SARDINES HOW PROFOUND! YEAH! PATRICK HEY, LOOK AT ALL THE NEW FRIENDS THAT I HAVE FOUND! SARDINES WE’VE BEEN FOUND! WE’VE BEEN FOUND! OH! Patrick decides to try out his newfound power over these adoring Sardines. PATRICK SARDINES YOUR SAVIOR WANTS SOME CAKE CAKE HEY – DOES ANYBODY BAKE? BAKE CAKE I’M READY FOR A BREAK NOW – CAN SOMEONE BAKE ME A GINORMOUS CAKE?! BAKE THE KING HIS CAKE AND GIVE IT UP GIVE IT UP RAISE THE SOUND RAISE THE SOUND TELL EVERYONE TELL EVERYONE TO GATHER AROUND FOR I MIGHT BE YOUR SHINING STAR OH AHH STAR YOU’RE A SHINING STAR!
SARDINES SUPER SEA STAR SAVIOR ME! PATRICK STAR!!
PATRICK ALL Patrick is paying zero attention to his friends. Instead, he’s reveling in the Sardines’ attention.
PATRICK SARDINES WELL AS YOUR LEADER YES I WILL COMPLETE YA YOU COMPLETE ME GLAD SOMEONE’S FOLLOWING ME FOR A CHANGE NOW WHERE WE’LL GO GO UHHH I DON’T KNOW I’LL KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT. SARDINES GREAT PINK ONE, YOU ARE EVERYTHING! THERE’S GREAT PINK WISDOM IN ALL YOU SING! PATRICK SARDINES Like This? FIGARO HA HA HA HA HA! FIGARO HA HA HA HA HA! OHHHHHH. AHHH! HE’S OUR STAR, GREAT STAR HE’S OUR STAR, GREAT STAR HE’S OUR STAR, GREAT STAR HE’S OUR STAR, GREAT STAR SHOUT IT OUT! SHOUT IT OUT! SHOUT IT OUT! FROM THE MOUNTAIN HIGH! SHOUT IT OUT! TO THE VALLEY LOW! SHOUT IT OUT! I feel it my Brothers and Sisters!
SOLO SARDINE SARDINES SHOUT IT OUT! He can think y’all! SHOUT IT OUT! He will save us! SHOUT IT OUT! Y’all praise pink! SHOUT IT OUT! SHOUT IT OUT! ALL SARDINES SHOUT! SHOUT! SHOUT! SHOUT IT OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT! SHOUT! SHOUT! SHOUT! SHOUT IT OUT! OUT! OUT! GET OUT! OH! OH! OH! Dance Break. SARDINE GROUP 1 SARDINE GROUP 2 HE’S THE ONE! WHOA! YA GOTTA PRAISE PINK! SING IT! YA GOTTA PRAISE PINK! SING IT! THE HOLY ONE! WHOA! YA GOTTA PRAISE PINK! SING IT! YA GOTTA PRAISE PINK! SING IT! SHOUT! SHOUT! SHOUT! SHOUT IT OUT! OUT! WHOA! OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT! WHOA! SHOUT! SHOUT! SHOUT! WHOA! SHOUT IT OUT! THE PINKEST OF THE PINKEST! ALL SARDINES SUPER SEA-STAR SAVIOR PATRICK STAR! As the song reaches its triumphant button, the Sardines start leading Patrick offstage with them. SPONGEBOB No no no no no, you can’t leave! We have a mountain to climb. PATRICK That was before I was a savior.
SPONGEBOB You said you’d be with me no matter what. PATRICK …Unless I became a savior. Pretty sure I said that. Spongebob is hurt. SPONGEBOB What about our team? PATRICK This is my moment, SpongeBob. Don’t ruin it. SPONGEBOB Okay then. Go. I don’t need you. PATRICK (stung) You don’t? SPONGEBOB Nope. Forget about our team. It has a stupid name anyway. PATRICK (offended) You said you liked it! (lashing back) Well, I don’t like you! SPONGEBOB I don’t like you more. PATRICK At least I don’t live in a fruit! SPONGEBOB At least I don’t have a conehead! PATRICK At least I’m not SQUARE! (pointing) SQUARE! SQUARE! PINK! PINK! YELLOW! FINE.
SPONGEBOB PATRICK SPONGEBOB
FINE. FINE! FINE! FINE!! FINE!! FINE. We’re out.
69. PATRICK SPONGEBOB PATRICK SPONGEBOB PATRICK SARDINES PATRICK Patrick heads off with the Sardines.
SPONGEBOB (despairing, to Sandy) What’re we going to do now? Patrick’s the brawn. No way we get up that mountain without him. Spongebob and Sandy exchange a terrified look. FRENCH NARRATOR At that moment, night falls. Night falls, KA-CHUNK. Perch Perkins enters. PERCH PERKINS It’s the last night before the end. And as hysteria spreads through our streets, many have begun to question the government’s ability to handle this crisis. The Mayor enters, flanked by Larry the Lobster. He’s acting as her bodyguard now, while she’s chased by a noisy crowd of disgruntled Townsfish. MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM Stop it! Don’t believe the media. Everything is under control.
70. She isn’t very convincing about it. Especially when there’s another RUMBLE.
MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM (CONT’D) Oh tartar sauce, more boulders?? Nooooo! The Rube Goldberg machine spits out a stream of boulders onto the stage. Another and another and another! At which point, panic overtakes the crowd. They all SCREAM at the top of their lungs… then freeze in their scream. Spotlight on Sandy and SpongeBob. * SONG: TOMORROW IS. – by The Flaming Lips SANDY SpongeBob, we can’t give up now. WE ONLY HAVE TOMORROW TO TRY TO SAVE THE DAY OUR WORLD COULD END TOMORROW SPONGEBOB WE HAVE TO FIND A WAY A WAY…
SANDY WE’RE GONNA CLIMB THAT MOUNTAIN HOWEVER SCARED WE ARE OUR TEAM MAY JUST HAVE TWO NOW BUT WE CAN STILL GO FAR Now the various denizens of Bikini Bottom start unfreezing and joining in the song. All are anticipating what tomorrow holds. SQUIDWARD I ONLY HAVE TOMORROW TO SHOW THEM WHAT I’VE GOT MR. KRABS WE ONLY HAVE TOMORROW SO GET ‘EM WHILE THEY’RE HOT!
PLANKTON SMALL, YES BUT DEVIOUS I FEEL TEN FEET TALL IF I SUCCEED PLANKTON & KAREN THE SPONGE WILL FALL! SPONGEBOB (gazing across at Patrick) WE ONLY HAVE TOMORROW I WISH IT WAS WITH YOU
ALL OTHERS AAAAAAH AAAAAAH But Patrick is too busy being worshipped by the Sardines to look over at SpongeBob. SpongeBob turns back to Sandy.
SPONGEBOB & SANDY ALL OTHERS THE WORLD COULD END TOMORROW AAAAAAH WE KNOW WHAT WE MUST DO AAAAAAH ALL (gradually adding on until everyone is singing) THE SUN HAS SUNK BELOW US THE DARK OF NIGHT IS HERE THE HANDS OF TIME KEEP TICKING TOMORROW’S ALMOST HERE ALMOST HERE ALMOST HERE The town of Bikini Bottom now stands against a starry night sky, pinpoints of light glittering all around them. ALL (CONT’D) WE ONLY HAVE TOMORROW BEFORE OUR TOWN IS GONE WE ONLY HAVE TOMORROW BEFORE WE MUST MOVE ON CROWD WE ONLY HAVE TOMORROW BIKINI BOTTOM… WE ONLY HAVE TOMORROW BIKINI BOTTOM… WE ONLY HAVE ONE MORE…
SPONGEBOB & SANDY FROM THE WORLD RENOWNED HAVE TO SAVE THIS TOWN AS THE SUN GOES DOWN ON A BEAUTIFUL BIKINI BOTTOM…
FRENCH NARRATOR Enjoy your last intermission… ever. DAY.
ALL The music crescendos - and blackout. END OF ACT 1.
ACT 2 SCENE 1: PATCHY INTERRUPTION As the house lights are dimming at the end of intermission, an odd cloaked woman starts down the aisle, posing as an Usher. USHER Souvenir programs! Get your souvenir programs! The cloaked woman makes her way down to the front of the house, then climbs up onto the stage and throws off the cloak. Revealing: it’s actually PATCHY THE PIRATE in disguise. PATCHY Aaaar, it’s me! I don’t have much time—they’ll be coming for me soon. After they threw me out, I spent Act 1 wandering the streets of Hell’s Kitchen until I happened upon a Pirate Dive Barrr over on 9th Avenue. Talkin’ with me fellow buccaneers gave me the courage to come back here with a message, on behalf of all victims of pirate prejudice. I wrote a protest song. I have the sheet music right here, if you wouldn’t mind. The conductor shrugs and accepts the sheet music. PATCHY (CONT’D) Thank you. Y’see, people fear what they don’t understand, and too few understand us pirates. (to conductor) Are ye ready? She nods and the band starts to play. He sings. * SONG: POOR PIRATES – by Sara Bareilles PATCHY (CONT’D) LET ME BEGIN WITH A HARDY HO-HO AND A TALE THAT NOBODY TELLS WELL I’VE NOT COME ALL THE WAY FROM E-N-C-I-N-O TO BE TREATED LIKE SEWAGE THAT SMELLS
PATCHY (CONT’D) SOME OF US JUST WANT ADVENTURE THE OPEN SEA WIND IN OUR EARRINGS WHY ARE WE CONSTANTLY MISUNDERSTOOD? DON’T YOU KNOW PIRATES HAVE FEELINGS? Now OTHER PIRATES appear from various locations around the theater. Each carries a different makeshift instrument. PATCHY & PIRATES POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR POOR PIRATES CAN’T DENY THIS SIMPLE TRUTH POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR PATCHY PIRATES PEOPLE TOO TOO TOO TOO PATCHY (to his pirate pals) They came from the dive bar! As the song continues, more Pirates fill the stage, until it’s a veritable Pirate Jamboree. PATCHY PIRATES THINK OF HOW HARD WE HAVE HAD IT OOH SO HARD OUT ON SHIPS THERE IS NOT MUCH TO EAT OOH NOT MUCH TO EAT AND DENTISTS HATE PIRATE INSURANCE YO OH NO WHICH IS WHY WE’VE SO MANY GOLD TEETH WE’VE SO MANY GOLD TEETH ME LAUNDRY STAYS DAMP DAMP AND ME BOOTS START TO STINK BOOTS STINK AND ME FINGERNAILS FILTHY AND DIRTY DIRTY PATCHY ME INTERNET LOADS UNBELIEVABLY SLOW
PATCHY PIRATES AND ME BEDTIME’S AROUND AND ME BEDTIME’S AROUND SEVEN THIRTY SEVEN THIRTY POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR POOR PIRATES POOR PIRATES HAVE IT SO MUCH WORSE THAN YOU OOH YOU YOU YOU PIRATE 1 WE’VE GOT PIRATE PARADES TO WHICH NOBODY COMES PIRATE 2 CAPTAIN KIDD HOSTS A MARATHON BUT NOBODY RUNS PIRATE 3 LONG JOHN SILVER INVENTED THE BLOOMIN’ ONION PIRATE 4 BUT YOU THINK HE GETS CREDIT FOR THAT? NO! PIRATE 5 CAPTAIN BOB HOOK, NO ONE KNOWS HIS FIRST NAME PIRATE 6 & 7 AND OL’ GREENBEARD’S BEEN DRIVEN COMPLETELY INSANE PATCHY HARDLY ANYONE CELEBRATES OUR ONE HOLIDAY “TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY” PATCHY PIRATES POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR POOR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR POOR PIRATES POOR PIRATES CAN’T DENY THIS SIMPLE TRUTH CAN’T DENY THIS SIMPLE TRUTH CAN’T DENY THAT WE’RE PIRATES ARE PEOPLE TOO POOR POOR AAAAAR PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR POOR POOR PIRATES PIRATES CAN’T DENY THIS SIMPLE TRUTH CAN’T DENY THIS SIMPLE TRUTH THAT PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR THAT PIRATES P-O-O-AAAAAR PEOPLE TOO PEOPLE TOO YO HO! YO HO!
76. As the applause dies down, the Security Guards come rushing down from the back of the theater.
SECURITY GUARD 1 Okay, that’s enough! Everyone off the stage. The other pirates split immediately… but the Security Guards call after Patchy. SECURITY GUARD 2 Except for you. You’re coming with us. PATCHY Wait! Wait wait wait! Just one more second. He’s still snapping more photos with his phone. SECURITY GUARD 1 Sir, what did we tell you about your phone? SECURITY GUARD 2 (into radio) We’ve got a six-twelver DPOS. Disorderly Pirate On Stage. SECURITY GUARD 1 (starting toward Patchy) Let’s go. PATCHY I’m not leaving again. I need to see the second act! I need to see SpongeBob! SECURITY GUARD 2 (starting toward him, really angry now, yanking out her earrings) That’s it, pirate. You better hold onto your booty. As the Security Guard starts coming at him, Patchy makes a run for it. He shouts! PATCHY You won’t catch me. Sir!
SECURITY GUARD 1
PATCHY (to the audience) I’ll be back!
SECURITY GUARD 2 All hands on deck! I’ll be back! Sir!
PATCHY SECURITY GUARD 1
SECURITY GUARD 2 We’ve got a psycho on the loose in the building! PATCHY I’ll be back! I’ll be back! Patchy disappears out the back door of the theater, the two Security Guards in hot pursuit. After a beat: FRENCH NARRATOR Let us now return to our story. The band launches into a short bit of TRANSITIONAL MUSIC as the lights shift and we go back into our story.
78. SCENE 2: THE PINEAPPLE
FRENCH NARRATOR (CONT’D) It is the next morning, and we find ourselves once again in Bikini Bottom. Here we see SpongeBob, sound asleep in his pineapple home. SpongeBob is asleep in his pineapple, with Gary at the foot of the bed. Suddenly, SpongeBob jerks awake. He’s breathing hard. SPONGEBOB Oh Gary, I had a terrible nightmare. It seemed so real. Meow.
SPONGEBOB No, it’s too crazy, I can’t tell you. Meow.
SPONGEBOB Okay, okay. I dreamed the end was coming at sundown today… and Patrick abandoned me. Ha, told you it was crazy! Lights snap up on Perch Perkins. PERCH PERKINS Good morning Bikini Bottom. Our top story: the end is coming at sundown today, and friends are abandoning friends. Back to Gary and SpongeBob. SPONGEBOB (to Gary) So it wasn’t a dream? (a primal cry) Nooooooooooo… Lights snap out as we see the hands of a clock spinning. FRENCH NARRATOR Ten minutes later.
79. Lights up on SpongeBob as his primal cry continues.
SPONGEBOB Lights snap out as we see the spinning clock.
FRENCH NARRATOR SpongeBob is still crying his primal cry, but exhausted now and running out of voice.
SPONGEBOB Lights out and the spinning clock.
Fifty years later.
FRENCH NARRATOR Lights up on SpongeBob, now wearing a long white beard.
SPONGEBOB (to Gary) This? Comes right off. He takes off the beard and tosses it to the Conductor. Meow.
GARY SpongeBob nods, steeling himself.
SPONGEBOB You’re right. I have to pull myself together. Pull it together, self! We have a town to save.
80. Music begins. SpongeBob sings.
*SONG: BIKINI BOTTOM DAY REPRISE – by Jonathan Coulton SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) CAN’T STAY IN BED, ONE FINAL MORNING I CAN SPEND WITH GARY. Meow.
BIG DAY AHEAD, TWO PARTS IMPOSSIBLE AND THREE PARTS SCARY. GARY, YOU KNOW CLIMBING A KILLER MOUNTAIN WON’T BE EASY. (he gets back in bed) I JUST WON’T GO! (Gary nudges him like crazy) Meow!
SPONGEBOB OK I KNOW, BIKINI BOTTOM NEEDS ME. Gary reveals a pile of mountain-climbing supplies that he’s collected. SpongeBob gapes at them, surprised. SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) AND LOOK AT ALL THIS ROPE AND THESE HAMMERS THAT YOU GOT ME SOMEHOW GARY YOU’RE THE GREATEST! WHERE’D YOU GET THIS STUFF? MEOW!
GARY SpongeBob loads up with all the climbing supplies. They’re heavy.
SPONGEBOB I’M READY THANKS TO YOU, I KNOW THAT I CAN DO IT FOR THE WORLD RENOWNED BIKINI BOTTOM! (MORE)
SPONGEBOB (CONT'D) GONNA SAVE THIS TOWN, BIKINI BOTTOM! I JUST WON'T LOOK DOWN ON THIS MAYBE LAST BIKINI BOTTOM DAY! Music continues under. SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) You need to be strong now, Gary. If I don’t make it back, and I may not, you have to go on without me. Meow.
SPONGEBOB (tapping his heart) And I carry you in mine, Gary. Always. Meow.
GARY With that SpongeBob steps out the door, lugging the climbing supplies with him.
82. SCENE 3: BIKINI BOTTOM SpongeBob arrives outside to discover that everything looks different than it did yesterday. There’s the distant sound of sirens. Police barricades line the streets. We get the sense of a changed town—a community that’s falling apart. The Mayor of Bikini Bottom is there, flanked by Larry the Lobster, who’s now wearing a militaristic blast helmet. He holds a JELLYFISH ON A STICK in one hand and a clipboard in the other.
LARRY THE LOBSTER Freeze! State your name! SPONGEBOB SpongeBob SquarePants. You know me. LARRY THE LOBSTER (whispered to his friend) Just following procedure, dude. (he checks his list, then says loudly and formally to the Mayor) He’s not on the No Swim List. MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM (to SpongeBob) Alright then, move along. SPONGEBOB No Swim List? I don’t understand. And is that a jellyfish on a stick? LARRY THE LOBSTER Don’t make me zap you, bro. MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM I’ve declared a State of Emergency. You’re either with me or you’re against me. Now move along! SpongeBob sheepishly does as instructed. Now Squidward comes running past, shoving SpongeBob aside. SQUIDWARD Out of my way, SpongeBob, I have a concert to organize!
83. Mr. Krabs runs across the stage, holding a stack of cash.
MR. KRABS Armaggedon? More like I’m-a-Gettin’ Rich! Mrs. Puff runs across stage with a bottle. MRS. PUFF Clear off the road! I have a bender to go on! Now Patrick enters, followed by his Sardine Devotees. SARDINE DEVOTEES Praise pink! Praise pink! Praise pink! Praise pink! The Angry Mob runs on, led by Old Man Jenkins. Pitchforks in hand. OLD MAN JENKINS & ANGRY MOB Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel! Blame the squirrel! SpongeBob watches it all happen. As soon as the mob has left, Sandy pops out from inside a toppled-over trash can where she’s been hiding from the mob. Are they gone? Yep.
SANDY Then let’s get moving while the coast is clear. SPONGEBOB Do you have the ingenious bubble device to stop the volcano? SANDY (nodding) Took me all night, but it’s ready.
84. She holds up a simple cardboard box. Then opens it to reveal a magical, glowing light within.
SPONGEBOB Will you look at that. The ingenious bubble device to stop the volcano. SANDY Oh, I came up with a name too: “The Erupter Interrupter.” Very catchy. Yeah? Yeah.
SPONGEBOB SANDY SPONGEBOB
SANDY Cause I wasn’t sure. SPONGEBOB I think the rhyme is great. Oh, good.
SPONGEBOB Rolls off the tongue. SANDY Who doesn’t like a good rhyme? I know I do.
SPONGEBOB Sandy realizes how far off task they’ve gotten with their oddly casual back-andforth. She snaps them out of it.
SANDY Okay, enough yammerin’! Duty calls. They gather up the climbing supplies.
To the mountain! Heroes, march!
85. SANDY (CONT’D) SPONGEBOB To the RAT TAT TAT of a drum, they march offstage, carrying the climbing gear with them. Lights crossfade.
86. SCENE 4: THE CHUM BUCKET Plankton, with Karen beside him, has been watching SpongeBob and Sandy through his telescope.
PLANKTON If they reach the top and save the town, my whole hypnosis-in-the-escapepod scheme will be ruined! And I still don’t have a plan to stop them. My evil genius is exhausted. KAREN Don’t worry, Sheldon. I’ve got just the thing. Do tell.
KAREN I found it in the hall closet, tucked back with the cleaning supplies. She reveals it: the giant Avalanche Maker 3000™ machine. PLANKTON My Avalanche Maker 3000! I’d wondered what happened to that. KAREN It was under your Tsunami Maker 2000, across from your Tornado Maker 5000. next to the mop. We can use it to start a landslide that they’ll never survive. Then Chumville, here we come! PLANKTON (impressed) Oh Karen. It's evil. It's diabolical. It's (sniffs it) lemon-scented. KAREN Gloat for me, baby. Mwahahahaha… Mwahahahaha…
PLANKTON KAREN She joins in with her own computerized maniacal laugh.
KAREN AND PLANKTON Mwahahahahaha! Lights shift.
SCENE 5: THE BIKINI BOTTOM BANDSHELL A group of TEEN FANS are clustered up, holding Electric Skates signs, eagerly awaiting the band’s arrival. Squidward enters, wearing a Stage Manager’s headset and carrying a clipboard. SQUIDWARD Alright, everyone clear out. This is a closed soundcheck for the Electric Skates. The concert is this afternoon. So if you’d just. They’re here!!
TEEN FAN 3 THE ELECTRIC SKATES crash in, each riding a skateboard or inline skates, and each playing a tricked-out electric guitar. They are “skate punk” incarnate: mohawks, piercings, tattoos – in intense electric colors. They shove Squidward out of the way.
ELECTRIC SKATE 2 Hello Bikini Bottom! Are you ready to rock? The Electric Skates launch into a song, replete with daredevil skate moves and a lot of guitar thrashing. * SONG: BIKINI BOTTOM BOOGIE– by Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith ALL ELECTRIC SKATES IF YOU WANNA ROCK AND FEELIN’ ALRIGHT BIKINI BOTTOM BOOGIE ALL NIGHT GETTING SICK SKATEY SWEET RAD GNARLY AND TIGHT BIKINI BOTTOM BOOGIE ALL NIGHT ELECTRIC SKATE 2 TOESIDE HEELSIDE HOW DO I LOOK? IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER COZ IT’S SO “OFF THE HOOK” ELECTRIC SKATE 3 LONG HAIR, SHORT HAIR, MOHAWK OR BALD
ELECTRIC SKATE 1 OR SHAVIN’ OFF YOUR DORSELS WHEN YOUR GRANDMOTHER CALLED ALL ELECTRIC SKATES THERE’S NO MAGIC POTION, JUST JUMP IN THE OCEAN BLUE In her wild enthusiasm, Pearl jumps up on stage. PEARL JUMP IN THE OCEAN BLUE WOP WA-OOH
ALL ELECTRIC SKATES Pearl wails over this.
PEARL OOH – OOH- AAAAAH! She gets the Skates’ attention. Nice wail, whale!
ELECTRIC SKATE 1
PEARL Really? You heard me singing? How could I not?
ELECTRIC SKATE 1
PEARL My daddy never hears me. I had to sneak out just to see you. ELECTRIC SKATE 1 Nice! What’s your name, girl? Um. um.
ELECTRIC SKATE 1 You know what, Pretty Pearl: we’ve been looking for a backup singer to go on tour with us. PEARL (almost unable to breathe) I’d follow you anywhere! Her friends are stunned and excited. TEEN FAN 2 Whoa, are you really gonna run away with them?? A beat where the reality of this fully hits Pearl. It sinks in. And she decides. PEARL Yeah. I’m going to run away. Her friends shout in excitement. Then one of them rushes forward at Electric Skate 1— TEEN FAN 1 Will you sign my skateboard? ELECTRIC SKATE 1 Nah, but I’ll ride it! As he gets ready to do a trick, Pearl gazes at him googoo-eyed, and says to her friends. PEARL He heard me. He really heard me. The Electric Skates rock back into the song. ELECTRIC SKATE 2 THROW UP YOUR HANDS! WHOO!
ELECTRIC SKATE 2 THROW UP YOUR FINS! WHOO!
PEARL AND ENSEMBLE
ALL IN BIKINI BOTTOM, BABY EVERY BA-BA-BODY WINS! SO IF YOU WANNA ROCK AND FEELIN’ ALRIGHT. Throughout the ending, Pearl continues to wail and riff over and around all of them. ALL ELECTRIC SKATES BIKINI BOTTOM BOOGIE ALL NIGHT PEARL ENSEMBLE I’M FEELIN’ ALRIGHT TONIGHT! BIKINI BOTTOM BOOGIE ALL NIGHT! ALL ELECTRIC SKATES BIKINI BOTTOM BOOGIE ALL NIGHT! PEARL ENSEMBLE MY DREAMS ARE COMIN’ TRUE TONIGHT! BIKINI BOTTOM BOOGIE ALL NIGHT! BIKINI BOTTOM
ALL ELECTRIC SKATES
ALL BOOGIE ALL NIGHT! PEARL TONIGHT! YEAH – YEAH – YEAH- YEAAAAAAAH. As the song ends, the crowd goes wild. Most of them exit, but Pearl remains behind, staring adoringly at the band. Meanwhile, Squidward enters. He plucks a pair of EAR PLUGS out of his ears and politely applauds. SQUIDWARD Bravo, gentlemen, that was some soundcheck. (Tosses out ear plugs) ELECTRIC SKATE 3 (yelled with heavy metal hand gesture) Rock and roll! SQUIDWARD Now, given the great importance of this concert, I’ve been thinking about how to make it a truly unforgettable event.
91. ELECTRIC SKATE 3
SQUIDWARD I believe the answer is a special guest. I’d like to suggest myself. You? Not cool. But. Rock and roll!
ELECTRIC SKATE 2 ELECTRIC SKATE 1 SQUIDWARD ELECTRIC SKATE 3
SQUIDWARD (re: Electric Skate 3) Is that all he…? ELECTRIC SKATE 1 Yeah. Ever since a stage diving accident. ELECTRIC SKATE 2 That reminds me. We have a rider. Electric Skate 2 produces a roll of paper (the band’s rider) and hands it to Squidward, who unspools it. The rider is insanely long. It drops into the orchestra pit. We hear someone shout out in pain, “My leg!” SQUIDWARD (reading it) Two pounds seahorse radish… Four cases kelp juice… Nineteen assorted shiny objects…. Electric Skate 3 gives a thumbs up. Those shiny objects are for him. SQUIDWARD (CONT’D) There’s no way I can possibly get all this. ELECTRIC SKATE 2 Whoa whoa whoa. You have to! I can’t rock without it. (to Electric Skate 1, honestly desperate) Really, you know I can’t…
ELECTRIC SKATE 1 (to Squidward) Look man, we’ll make you a deal. You get us what we need, we’ll let you open for us. SQUIDWARD Really? You mean it? Sure, Pillword. Actually, it’s—
ELECTRIC SKATE 2 SQUIDWARD
ELECTRIC SKATE 1 Catch ya on the flip side, Swillbird. SQUIDWARD No, actually it’s — Rock and roll! Oh forget it.
ELECTRIC SKATE 3 SQUIDWARD The Electric Skates are now gone. Pearl calls after them.
PEARL I’m going home to get my stuff. I’ll see you at the show. (beat, then blurted) Also I love you! Pearl scurries off excitedly. SQUIDWARD So… (looking down at the rider) it all comes down to this. He exits, determined. Lights shift. FRENCH NARRATOR Let us now journey to Mount Humongous, towering above Bikini Bottom in all its great and fearsome majesty.
93. SCENE 6: MOUNT HUMONGOUS Mount Humongous is revealed. It looms over the stage, terrifyingly tall. SpongeBob and Sandy stand at the bottom of the mountain, looking up the slope. They’re loaded up with the heavy climbing gear.
SPONGEBOB When you get right up to it, it looks even taller. SANDY (she’s worried too) It sure does. SPONGEBOB Hey, check out this sign. He points to a sign on the mountainside. It says “Mount Humongous: Voted Most Likely to Kill You - Seven Years in a Row!” SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) “Voted Most Likely to Kill You, Seven Years in a Row.” SANDY (swallowing hard) That’s quite an achievement. SpongeBob starts to freak out. Music plays as he runs in circles, falls to the ground and shakes uncontrollably. SPONGEBOB I can’t do this… I can’t do this… Sandy slaps him. Snap out of it.
SANDY Music stops.
SANDY (CONT’D) (trying to calm him) I’m scared too. But we have to keep going. Just remember the Number 1 rule of Karat-ay.
SPONGEBOB Let not the sands of time seep into your shorts… for it shall chafe. Gong sound. SANDY (gives him a “huh?” look, then) Sorry, meant Rule #2. (another gong sound.) Keep your mind clear, your spirit strong, and your hands free. With that, Sandy drops her climbing gear and begins singing. In the course of the song, she guides SpongeBob to put down his gear too and rely on something else instead. SPONGEBOB What’re you doing? * SONG: CHOP TO THE TOP - by Lady Antebellum SANDY WE’RE TOO HEAVY WHEN WE’RE HOLDING ON TO ALL THAT STUFF WHY LOAD UP ON TROUBLE, WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE ENOUGH? YOU GOTTA CHOP TO THE TOP THAT YOU AIM FOR GET SOME GUMPTION AND YOU WON'T TURN TAIL JUST KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE PRIZE THAT YOU CAME FOR AND USE KAR-AT-AY AND YOU CANNOT FAIL, AND Cue martial-arts dance moves! SANDY (CONT’D) CHOP TO THE TOP CHOP TO THE TOP COME ON AND KEEP IT MOVIN’ DON’T STOP TIL YOU DROP COME ON AND CHOP COME ON AND CHOP SpongeBob joins in the song as they start climbing up the mountain.
SPONGEBOB IT FEELS BETTER WHEN YOU’RE KICKING THAT FEAR AWAY SOMETIMES YOU CAN’T MAKE IT HAPPEN, BUT THAT WON’T HAPPEN TODAY SANDY IF YOU WAIT, IT’S TOO LATE, YOU’RE DEFEATED PUSH YOURSELF JUST LITTLE BIT HIGHER YOU WANT TO WIN? DON’T GIVE IN, YOU CAN BEAT IT FIND YOUR MOJO AND SET IT ON FIRE AND SPONGEBOB & SANDY CHOP TO THE TOP CHOP TO THE TOP COME ON AND KEEP IT MOVIN’ DON’T STOP TIL YOU DROP COME ON AND CHOP COME ON AND CHOP SpongeBob looks down. He gets dizzy. SPONGEBOB Ground so far below… Sponge so high above… SANDY DON’T BE AFRAID I’LL BE WITH YOU ALL THE WAY - SpongeBob and Sandy continue climbing, encountering increasingly difficult terrain. SANDY (CONT’D)
COME ON AND CHOP TO THE TOP CHOP TO THE TOP COME ON AND CHOP TO THE TOP DON’T EVER STOP
COME ON AND CHOP TO THE TOP CHOP TO THE TOP COME ON AND CHOP
96. SPONGEBOB & SANDY (CONT’D)
COME ON AND CHOP TO THE TOP DON’T EVER STOP COME ON AND CHOP! COME ON AND CHOP! COME ON AND -Suddenly, they find themselves at the edge of a dangerous precipice. Sandy takes a deep breath, then starts across a ladder bridge. Follow me! I’m coming!
SANDY SPONGEBOB The ladder falls… SpongeBob struggles…
Grab my hand! I can’t reach it!
SANDY SPONGEBOB Finally SpongeBob makes it to Sandy. But then SpongeBob falls into a hole!
SANDY SpongeBob, where are you?? SPONGEBOB I don’t know, but it’s really dark! SANDY Hold on, I’ll find you! Finally, they find each other again.
97. They almost high five, but then the mountain starts to spin with them on it.
SANDY & SPONGEBOB They struggle to climb toward each other. and finally do. Together they stand on a mountain peak, triumphantly.
SPONGEBOB We did it! We did it! Uh SpongeBob? Yes, Uh Sandy?
SANDY We’re only halfway. SpongeBob looks up the rest of the mountain, realizing she’s right. Lights shift.
SCENE 7: BIKINI BOTTOM / MOUNT HUMONGOUS The Doomsday Clock is ticking. The Sardines surround Patrick on a luxury throne. They’re showering him with intense (bordering on slightly terrifying) adulation. SARDINE DEVOTEE 4 Time is running out! SARDINE DEVOTEE 1 But your wisdom will save us. SARDINE DEVOTEES Give us more O Pointy One! They all look at him, awaiting wisdom. Patrick tries to think of some. PATRICK Ummmm… ummm… (he can’t think of anything) are we going to do this all day? Yes!
PATRICK I have a better idea. Let’s head back to my rock. I have a great couch there. It can stretch. SARDINE DEVOTEE 1 (looks at the others, then) How will that help save us? PATRICK Um, it won’t? But SpongeBob and I made some awesome stuff with it. We could too. SARDINE DEVOTEE 3 We don’t have time for that. PATRICK Okay, then we could go jellyfishing, It’s SpongeBob and my favorite hobby. Once we caught this really huge one, and. (sighs, nostalgic) We had a time.
SARDINE DEVOTEE 3 No! You have a mission, O Guru. SARDINE DEVOTEE 2 You have followers. ALL SARDINE DEVOTEES (intense, almost threatening) What else do you need? Music begins. “Close up” on Patrick as he considers this question. * SONG: (I GUESS I) MISS YOU – by John Legend PATRICK (to himself) What else do I need? (now he sings) NEVER THOUGHT THAT I COULD RIDE SO HIGH WITHOUT YOU EVERYTHING I’VE GOT’S SO GOOD BUT NOT WITHOUT YOU BUT SUDDENLY NOTHING FEELS QUITE RIGHT WHY DOES THE SUNSHINE FEEL LIKE NIGHT? I’M ONLY PRETENDING I’M ALRIGHT WITHOUT YOU NOW WHAT’S A MACARONI WITHOUT THE CHEESE OR PEAS IN A POD WITHOUT THE PEAS THAT’S THE WAY I FEEL WHEN THERE’S A ME WITHOUT YOU I---I--I--- GUESS I MISS YOU And while Patrick lounges there on his luxury throne, we discover SpongeBob in a much different place: high up in the howling winds of Mount Humongous’ s forbidding slopes. SPONGEBOB IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER HOW HIGH I CLIMB WITHOUT YOU I CAN’T ENJOY THIS LONELY VIEW WHEN I’M WITHOUT YOU NO ONE CAN MAKE ME LAUGH LIKE YOU NOBODY TURNS MY ONE TO TWO
SPONGEBOB (CONT'D) MAYBE THAT’S WHY I FEEL SO BLUE WITHOUT YOU TELL ME WHAT’S THE APPLE WITHOUT THE PIE TELL ME WHAT’S THE FRENCH WITHOUT THE FRY THAT’S THE WAY I FEEL WHEN I KNOW I’M WITHOUT YOU I---
I--GUESS I MISS YOU I--I--I--GUESS I MISS YOU
I-- GUESS I MISS YOU I-- I-- I-- GUESS I MISS YOU
SPONGEBOB WON’T YOU GET HERE MY FRIEND? PATRICK BRING MY SUNSHINE BACK AGAIN SPONGEBOB & PATRICK CUZ LIFE’S NO FUN WHEN YOU DON’T COME AROUND I---
I--GUESS I MISS YOU
I-- GUESS I MISS YOU
I--I--I--- GUESS I MISS YOU
101. Up on the mountain, Sandy calls to SpongeBob.
SANDY Come on, SpongeBob! This mountain won’t climb itself! Unless…
SANDY SpongeBob, it won’t. SPONGEBOB Good point. (steeling himself) I’m right behind you. He glances down at Bikini Bottom one last time, then continues up the mountainside. Focus shifts back to Patrick. He’s looking up at Mount Humongous, remembering the mission he was supposed to go on with his friends. He says to the Sardines— PATRICK You know what, guys? Maybe I can save you. but this isn’t how. The guru’s gotta go. SPONGEBOB & PATRICK (sung) MMMMMM Lights shift.
102. SCENE 9: BIKINI BOTTOM BANDSHELL Squidward enters, hauling a giant bag behind his back. He makes his way to the Bikini Bottom Bandshell. He drops the bag and wipes his brow, exhausted.
SQUIDWARD Done, and just in time. Breathe it in, Squidward. That’s the smell of the biggest stage in Bikini Bottom. The perfume of a mother’s pride and a little squid’s dream. (to the conductor) You know what to do. He signals for the band to strike up. But before Squidward can burst into song, The Electric Skates enter. It’s the third time that poor Squidward has been interrupted before his big moment. ELECTRIC SKATE 1 There you are, Billherd. Rock and roll!
ELECTRIC SKATE 3
ELECTRIC SKATE 2 How’s it going with our rider? SQUIDWARD (pointing to the bag) I got everything except the seahorse radish: it’s out of season. Now, I’d love to have a conversation about my Tentacle Spectacle… ELECTRIC SKATE 2 Wait. Did you say NO SEAHORSE RADISH. ELECTRIC SKATE 1 Man, you have a radish problem. ELECTRIC SKATE 2 (barking back at him) I can quit anytime I want. SQUIDWARD Gentlemen, please… Electric Skate 2 turns on him now.
ELECTRIC SKATE 2 Listen Millnerd, there’s no way you’re gonna open for us today. SQUIDWARD But I got all this for you! (frustration rising in him) I’ve been waiting my whole life to perform on this stage. Don’t make me beg. ELECTRIC SKATE 1 Seems like you’re begging already, Four Legs. ELECTRIC SKATE 2 Yeah. You are such a loser. This word, “loser”, triggers an intense response in Squidward. SQUIDWARD What did you call me? Loser.
ELECTRIC SKATE 2
SQUIDWARD Oh no no no no. I’m not a loser. YOU’RE the loser. LOSER! LOSER! LOSER! (he’s getting unhinged now, saying it the same way it sounded in his traumatic childhood memory) ELECTRIC SKATE 2 I can’t work like this. ELECTRIC SKATES 1 + 2 (to Squidward) We quit! They leave. As they do. Rock and roll!
ELECTRIC SKATE 3
SQUIDWARD Fine! Go! Good riddance! Don’t let the kelp hit you on the way out! Squidward is now left alone onstage. Music begins. Squidward sings.
* SONG: I’M NOT A LOSER – by They Might Be Giants SQUIDWARD (CONT’D)
I’M NOT A LOSER I DON'T SECRETLY HATE MYSELF. I'M NOT SINGING THIS TO NO ONE. IT'S NOT THE CASE THAT NO ONE CARES. I'M NOT A FAILURE. I DON'T NOT HAVE TALENT. WHEN OTHERS SEE ME, THEY CAN'T SEE THE NOBODY THAT ISN'T THERE. Wait, wait, hold on, that's a triple negative. You can’t not see nobody, because I’m not nobody, which can’t not be seen. Let me start over. MY LIFE'S NOT EMPTY. THEY DON'T NOT LIKE ME AT ALL. I DON'T NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE CAUSE I DON'T NOT PREFER TO STAY AT HOME. I DON'T STINK, I'M NOT A WASTE, I'M NOT ALL ALONE IN THINKING THAT I AM NOT ALL ALONE… Maybe I am a loser. Squidward begins sobbing. Suddenly, a chorus line of SEA ANEMONES WITH TAP SHOES appears and sings. SEA ANEMONES HEY SQUIDWARD! SQUIDWARD (raising his head) Huh? SEA ANEMONES YOU'RE NOT DELIRIOUS WITH DESPAIR AND YOU'RE NOT CALLING TRUE THINGS FALSE! HEY SQUIDWARD!
SEA ANEMONES YOU'RE NOT HALLUCINATING THIS SEA ANEMONE CHORUS LINE AT ALL! I’m not?
SEA ANEMONES YOU’RE NOT A LOSER. YOU DON'T SECRETLY HATE YOURSELF. YOU’RE NOT SINGING THIS TO NO ONE. IT'S NOT THE CASE THAT NO ONE CARES. YOU’RE NOT A FAILURE, YOU DON'T NOT HAVE TALENT, WHEN OTHERS SEE YOU, THEY CAN'T SEE THE NOBODY THAT ISN'T THERE. SQUIDWARD SEA ANEMONES I’M NOT A LOSER! NOT A LOSER! THEY DON'T NOT LIKE ME AT ALL OOH I DON'T NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE CAUSE NO! OOH I DON'T NOT PREFER TO STAY AT HOME. OOH OH STAY AT HOME I DON'T STINK, YOU DON’T STINK I'M NOT A WASTE YOU’RE NOT A WASTE I'M NOT ALL ALONE IN THINKING THAT I AM NOT ALL ALONE… Clarinet solo!
SQUIDWARD Squidward receives a clarinet from offstage and plays. Finally, he’s getting to have the big musical number he’s always dreamed of. It becomes a giant tap dance routine. As he arrives at the big boffo ending, Squidward joins a kick line with the Anemones.
SQUIDWARD (CONT’D) SEA ANEMONES I’M NOT A LOSER YOU’RE NOT A LOSER THEY DON’T NOT LIKE ME AT ALL OOH NO! I DON’T NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE OOH LEAVE THE HOUSE CAUSE I DON’T NOT PREFER TO STAY AT HOME NOT PREFER TO STAY AT HOME SQUIDWARD (CONT’D) I DON’T STINK! I’M NOT A WASTE I’M NOT ALL ALONE IN THINKING THAT I’M NOT! NOT! NOT ALL ALONE! SEA ANEMONES YOU ARE NOT ALONE YOU ARE NOT ALONE YOU ARE NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT ALONE YOU ARE NOT NOT NOT ALONE End of song. Squidward accepts the audience’s applause with great relish. Then the Sea Anemones start to dance again. SEA ANEMONES (CONT’D) YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU ARE NOT ALONE YOU ARE NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT One by one, the Sea Anemones dance off the stage. Left without them, Squidward realizes the truth. He really is… Alone.
SQUIDWARD As the applause dies down, lights shift.
107. SCENE 10: THE CHUM BUCKET Plankton rises out of the orchestra pit, martini in hand. Karen rolls on with the Avalanche Maker 3000, working under it like a mechanic.
PLANKTON How’s it coming, Karen? KAREN Almost done. (computer sounds—“beep boop bop”) Target program complete. I’ll be able to aim the Avalanche Maker with lethal precision. PLANKTON Won’t be long now before that sponge is toast. (sighs contentedly, then) Feels good, working together again. You know, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you for awhile, but I was too nervous. Now we’re getting along so much better, I thought maybe. Yes, Sheldon?
PLANKTON It’s just. (beat, then) Sheldon is such a small-sounding name. Maybe you could call me something else now and then? Something like… I dunno… “Big Guy”? Karen is surprised. And a little amused. Big Guy?
PLANKTON (he profoundly loves it) Yes! Say it again. Karen smiles. And does. Big Guy.
PLANKTON I could get used to that. Big Guy.
Uhh! Big guy! Big guy!
108. PLANKTON KAREN Hubba hubba! She runs to him, and kisses him. As they exit together, the lights shift. Perch Perkins come running onto stage.
PERCH PERKINS With just one hour left on the Doomsday Clock, I’m coming to you live from the bandshell. The benefit concert is about to begin. Our phone lines are now open. On a VIDEO SCREEN above, we see an image of a phone bank manned by fish. PERCH PERKINS (CONT’D) It’s up to you, our viewers across the ocean. We need your donations to pay for the escape pod. so we can get out before the volcano blows us all to oblivion! Perch looks offstage. PERCH PERKINS (CONT’D) And there, you can see them now. On the VIDEO SCREEN, we see shots of the Citizens of Bikini Bottom loaded up with suitcases, looking like refugees. Everyone is there but Plankton and Karen. It’s Anatevka meets marine life. Now we hear the sound of the approaching crowd onstage. PERCH PERKINS (CONT’D) …The citizens of Bikini Bottom, led by the Mayor through the streets of our beleaguered town, on their way to the bandshell. It is a truly historic exodus.
BIKINI TEVKA BIKINI TEVKA AAAAAAAAAH
109. CITIZENS (singing to a tune reminiscent of “Anatevka”)
The CITIZENS OF BIKINI BOTTOM enter with their suitcases, The Mayor is leading them all. Larry the Lobster (with his jellyfish-on-a-stick) is herding them. Lights shift…
SCENE 11: THE BIKINI BOTTOM BANDSHELL The Mayor barks at the assembled crowd. MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM Alright, that’s enough. Luggage there, escape pod will go here! PEARL Where’s the band? They should be here! Everyone stops. Realizing they’re gone. SQUIDWARD They quit. Artistic differences. PEARL They left me behind?! But—he said I could go on tour with them! MR. KRABS What? You were going to run away?? (infuriated) Pearl Krabs! If we survive this, you are grounded. I’m sorry if that sounds cold-blooded, but I am. His anger makes Pearl even more upset. MRS. PUFF We won’t survive! Without the band, we’ll never raise enough money for the pod. A cry of fear from the crowd. And now Pearl, who’s got a lot of pent-up teenage anger at her father, has an idea. She glares at Mr. Krabs and says— PEARL I bet Daddy could pay. He's made a lot of cash off this crisis. Everyone turns to look at Krabs. MR. KRABS Don’t look at me. (As his suitcases pop open, showing tons of cash) Don’t look at that either. MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM Mr. Krabs, the government is hereby seizing your assets. She signals Larry the Lobster, who grabs the suitcase away from Krabs.
111. Squidward comes scrambling over to help Larry take a look at what’s inside.
MR. KRABS (to Pearl) How could you? PEARL Is money really more important than all of us? Than me? Mr. Krabs doesn’t know how to answer that. Meanwhile, Squidward has been helping Larry the Lobster count all the cash. And they’ve both just realized— SQUIDWARD It isn’t enough! Not even close! And then, to make matters worse, there’s another RUMBLE. Oh no! Not again!
PERCH PERKINS (pointing) It’s another boulder!! MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM Everyone stay calm! But no one stays calm. They all scream in fear! The biggest boulder of all comes rolling through. IT CRUSHES OLD MAN JENKINS, flattening him into a 2-D version of himself. There is total shocked silence. Then Perch turns to the Mayor. PERCH PERKINS This is the government’s fault! MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM This is the media’s fault! MR. KRABS It’s Squidward’s fault!
SQUIDWARD (At Krabs) It’s your fault! And with that, everything dissolves into yelling and fighting! Everyone blaming each other! Old Man Jenkins jumps back up, restored to 3-D form, and joins in the chaos too. The yelling continues - then everyone freezes. An actor is revealed at the side of the stage, holding dolls of SpongeBob and Sandy. FRENCH NARRATOR Meanwhile, high on the treacherous slope of Mount Humongous, SpongeBob and Sandy are ze only hope for Bikini Bottom. Will they reach the top before Plankton and Karen can stop them? Zut alors! It is a race against time. Lights shift to—
SCENE 12: MOUNT HUMONGOUS / THE CHUM BUCKET SpongeBob and Sandy climbing. SANDY It’s a race against time, SpongeBob! But it’s getting harder and harder to climb. The RUMBLING of the mountain keeps getting worse. SANDY(CONT’D) Remember what I told ya: don’t stop til you drop. SPONGEBOB (a glance down, then) Yeah, let’s definitely not drop. SANDY We got this. Eye on the prize. They climb a few more seconds, then. SPONGEBOB Hey, is it me or is it getting pretty toasty up here? SANDY I’m sweatin’ like a snowman in a steam room. We’re almost at the top, come on! They keep climbing. The MUSIC SWELLS and FOCUS SHIFTS to Karen and Plankton at the Chum Bucket. They’re both wearing safety goggles, and preparing to fire the Avalanche Maker 3000. PLANKTON Alright, now’s our chance. KAREN Let’s do this… Big Guy. Together they prepare the weapon. Ready.
PLANKTON & KAREN (shouted in triumphant ecstasy) FIIIIIIRE! The Avalanche Maker releases a series of shockwaves, aimed at a section of the mountain. The shockwaves shake the mountain, releasing a deluge of boulders. All of it accompanied by a terrifying rumbling sound. SPONGEBOB Do you hear that? SANDY (looking up) It’s an avalanche! Sandy dodges the boulders… but SpongeBob gets hit by one. He’s sent tumbling off the mountainside! Sandy lunges forward and grabs SpongeBob’s hand, just in time. He’s hanging now. His arm stretches. I’ve got you! I’m slipping! Hold on!
SANDY (CONT’D) SPONGEBOB SANDY
SPONGEBOB (as he slips) I think this is goodbye, Sandy. These are my last words. SANDY No, SpongeBob, please— Look over there!
SANDY (confused) Those’re your last words?
SPONGEBOB No—it’s Patrick! And he has your jetpack! He points and we see PATRICK, with Sandy’s JETPACK strapped on, flying toward them. I’ll save you!
PATRICK At this moment, everything clicks into SLOW MOTION. Patrick zooms toward SpongeBob with the jetpack.
PATRICK (CONT’D) (slow-mo voice) Spooooongeboooooob! SPONGEBOB (slow-mo voice) Paaaaaaaatriiiiiiiiiiiiick! Patrick catches SpongeBob and lands safely with him on the mountainside. Then everything snaps back into normal speed. You came back!
PATRICK Of course I did. (to Sandy) Hope it’s okay I borrowed your invention. SANDY Mi jetpack es su jetpack. PATRICK Aw! I don't know what that means. (now to SpongeBob) I realized something today, buddy. The total devotion of adoring masses is pretty awesome… but they’re not really there for me. Not like you are. SPONGEBOB Hey, we’re B.F.F.’s. Being there for each other is what we do. No matter what.
PATRICK They hug it out. Sandy’s getting impatient.
116. SANDY Spontaneous dance break.
SPONGEBOB & PATRICK We’re best friends and this is the friend dance! We’re best friends and this is the friend dance! SANDY This is real sweet, but the town’s gonna be toast if we don’t hurry up. SPONGEBOB Alright team, let’s move! The trio travel further up the mountain as it gets steeper, hotter and more dangerous. They arrive at a sheer vertical cliff face - the last and most dangerous obstacle which leads, finally, to the mouth of the volcano. SANDY Boys, we have a problem. PATRICK We do? Oh, you mean this giant unclimbable volcano mouth of doom. SANDY No way can I fit through those squeezes. PATRICK Me neither. But I bet you could, SpongeBob. SANDY Doggonit, that’s right! You can squeeze through anything. PATRICK It’s up to you now. But when SpongeBob looks up the forbidding rock face, he doubts himself. He shakes his head. SPONGEBOB Look at that thing! I can’t do this. Mr. Krabs was right: I am just a simple sponge.
PATRICK No! You remember when we were stuck inside without TV? SPONGEBOB (what’s that got to do with anything?) Yeah? PATRICK It felt like an epic life-ending disaster, but you got me through it. You always see the bright side. Now Sandy chimes in. SANDY And you never give up. When I was ready to bail on y’all, you kept me going. PATRICK That’s what you bring to the team, SpongeBob. Management skills. SpongeBob’s eyes light up at this. Really?
PATRICK You are manager material. SANDY And you can do this. SpongeBob is convinced. SPONGEBOB Give me the Erupter Interrupter. Sandy gives him the Erupter Interrupter. SpongeBob takes it. SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) (galvanizing himself) Okay. As UNDERSCORING PLAYS, SpongeBob uses his stretching skills to get up the wall, avoiding the many obstacles. Then he stretches and squeezes through the hole at the top.
118. Now he’s almost at the mouth of the volcano. He sings… slowly, deliberately… as he makes his way toward the fuming lava crater.
*SONG: SIMPLE SPONGE REPRISE – by Panic! At the Disco SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) I AM NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE I AM NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT A SIMPLE SPONGE He’s reached the steaming mouth of the volcano. He shouts back to Sandy and Patrick, who are waiting below. SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) I’m here! And it’s really really hot. Throw it in!
PATRICK On the count of three. One… two…
SPONGEBOB Wait, on three or after three? PATRICK I don’t get the question. SPONGEBOB Like one two three, or one two three (“unh” sound)? SANDY (discussing with Patrick) One two three (unh). Right? PATRICK Yeah. One two three (unh).
ALL OF THEM One two three (unh)! SpongeBob throws the Erupter Interrupter into the mouth of the volcano. They listen as it falls and falls… and the sound fades away. The Erupter Interrupter is now somewhere deep in the depths of the volcano. SANDY Now we wait until sundown and hope it works. “Hope”?
PATRICK SpongeBob, meanwhile, has rejoined his friends.
PATRICK (CONT’D) What do you mean, “hope”?? SANDY (apologetic) I think my calculations’re right, but as they say in Texas—the proof is in the cow pie. I love pie.
SANDY (she looks at the DOOMSDAY CLOCK) We’ll know for sure in ten minutes. Suddenly, there’s the sound of distant SCREAMING, down below the mountain. Hey, what’s that?
SANDY It’s coming from down there. They look down off the mountain and see the chaos in Bikini Bottom below (which the Conductor enacts with a miniature toy version of the town.)
SPONGEBOB They’re all attacking each other! There’s the sound of a BUILDING COLLAPSING. They all react, horrified. PATRICK That was the Krusty Krab! SANDY Volcano or not, Bikini Bottom’s gonna destroy itself. SPONGEBOB If we don’t stop this, they won’t last for ten more minutes. SANDY But it’ll take hours to climb down. I have an idea.
SPONGEBOB (talking over Patrick, to Sandy) We could roll down. Might hurt a little, but… PATRICK Guys, I have an idea. SANDY (to SpongeBob) Maybe if we sort of tuck in our heads… PATRICK PAY ATTENTION TO ME!! Finally, SpongeBob and Sandy stop and listen to him. He points to the jetpack. PATRICK (CONT’D) This jetpack has a parachute. Of course!
PATRICK See? My ideas are worth listening to.
SPONGEBOB You can say that again. PATRICK See? My ideas are worth. SANDY (cutting him off) Okay, boys, let’s do this thing! SpongeBob grabs one of Patrick’s arms and Sandy grabs onto the other. Us, go!
PATRICK, SPONGEBOB, SANDY Just as they’re about to jump off the edge of the mountain, the lights abruptly shift….
122. SCENE 13: BIKINI BOTTOM Focus returns to the citizens of Bikini Bottom. They’re all freaking out, attacking each other, destroying everything. (Everyone is there except for Plankton and Karen.) Patrick, Sandy and SpongeBob descend into the crowd with their PARACHUTE. No one notices them. They’re too busy fighting and destroying. Until SpongeBob shouts—
SPONGEBOB Everyone stops and turns to look at SpongeBob.
SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) What are you doing. SQUIDWARD (gesturing to the debris all around them) Is that a rhetorical question? Just then, Plankton and Karen come rushing in. PLANKTON Quick, everyone! Those fools perished in an avalanche! We have to get into the escape pod and— But Karen has realized, before he has… KAREN Honey. They’re alive. They are?
PLANKTON Plankton and Karen gape at the three friends.
SPONGEBOB Yes, we are. But thanks for worrying about our safety, Plankton. Seems you’re the only one with some decency left.
SANDY We made it to the top and dropped the bubble device into the volcano. In seven minutes, we’ll know if we saved the town. SPONGEBOB But if you keep going like this, it won’t matter either way. There won’t be anything left to save! SQUIDWARD Deep thoughts, SpongeBob, but— SPONGEBOB I’M NOT FINISHED! At a time like this, we should be coming together. Instead everyone’s looking for someone to blame (re: the mob)… or follow (re: the Sardines)… to exploit (re: Krabs)… or control (re: Mayor). SANDY You’re all so scared for yourselves that you’re turning against each other. That’s just as dangerous as any volcano. SPONGEBOB It doesn’t have to be like this. We might only have seven minutes left, but we could make them the best seven minutes ever. MRS. PUFF How? The town is in ruins! SQUIDWARD I told you, SpongeBob: the world’s a horrible place filled with fear, suffering and despair. You didn’t believe me. SPONGEBOB I still don’t. Just look at the sun. Everyone looks up at the sun. SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) It’s still shining. Look at the kelp. Everyone looks over at the kelp. SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) It’s still… kelp-y. Look at us. Everyone looks around at each other.
SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) We still have each other. Music begins, slowly at first. * SONG: BEST DAY EVER – by Andy Paley and Tom Kenny SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) JUST SIX MORE MINUTES LEFT WE’VE DONE ALL WE COULD DO AND WHATEVER HAPPENS NEXT I’M GLAD I’M HERE WITH YOU The music picks up speed now, morphing into that sunny vamp we all know so well. SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) MR. SUN CAME UP AND HE SMILED AT ME, SAID IT'S GONNA BE THE BEST DAY JUST WAIT AND SEE. VOLCANIC DOOMSDAY CAUGHT US UNAWARE, BUT WE’RE STILL HERE AND MR. SUN’S UP THERE! The crowd starts to join in the song. SPONGEBOB (CONT’D) COULD BE THE BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY EVER
SPONGEBOB STILL COULD BE THE BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY EVER
SPONGEBOB BASS SANDY, PATRICK . AND ENSEMBLE I'M SO LUCKY DUM DA DUM WITH NOTHING TO DO DUM DA DUM OOH I CAN SPEND FIVE DUM DA DUM OOH MINUTES DUM DA DUM JUST BEING WITH YOU DUM DA DUM AHH EVERY FLOWER, DUM DA DUM AHH EVERY GRAIN OF SAND DUM
SPONGEBOB BASS SANDY, PATRICK . . AND ENSEMBLE IS REACHING OUT IS REACHING OUT TO DUM SHAKE MY HAND SHAKE MY HAND IT’S THE BEST DAY SPONGEBOB WOMEN MEN IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY EVER THE BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY EVER IT’S THE BEST DAY BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY THE BEST DAY THE BEST DAY EVER EVER EVER As the song continues, the denizens of Bikini Bottom start to accept SpongeBob’s philosophy—and start having the best day ever. Whatever that means to each of them. SPONGEBOB WOMEN MEN (CONT’D) THESE PAST TWO DAYS OOH THE WORLD’S BEEN OOH OOH CLOSING IN ON ME BUT WHEN I’M FEELING DOWN FEELING DOWN FEELING DOWN I CAN LOSE THAT FROWN LOSE THAT FROWN LOSE THAT FROWN JUST STICK MY HEAD OUT THE WINDOW HEAD OUT THE WINDOW HEAD OUT THE WINDOW AND LOOK AROUND AND LOOK AROUND AND LOOK AROUND LAVA DOESN’T SCARE ME, IT CAN'T DISGUISE OOH OOH THIS MAGIC THAT'S THIS MAGIC MAGIC, MAGIC HAPPENING RIGHT AHH AHH BEFORE MY EYES OOO OOO WHATEVER COMES WHATEVER COMES THERE’S JUST ONE THING TO DO ONE THING TO DO THING TO DO MAKE THIS THE BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY BEST DAY WITH ALL OF YOU OOH OOH TODAY’S THE BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY BEST DAY WITH ALL OF YOU NOW!
SQUIDWARD IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER! SPONGEBOB WOMEN MEN IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY EVER THE BEST DAY EVER THE BEST DAY EVER IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER THE BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY EVER THE BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY EVER THE BEST DAY EVER SPONGEBOB WOMEN & MEN BASS
(improv scatting) BOP BOP DUM BA DUM BA DOP BA DOP BA DUM DUM BA DUM BOP BOP BEST DAY EVER BA DUM IT’S THE BEST DAY DUM BA DUM BA DUM BOP BOP DUM BA DUM BA DOP BA DOP BOP BOP BEST DAY EVER BA DUM IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH For the final stanza, the music quiets down. Squidward points to the clock. SQUIDWARD There’s one minute left. PATRICK The sun’s about to set. SPONGEBOB This is it, everyone. SANDY Come on, Erupter Interrupter, come on. Slowly, everyone joins hands. The townsfish all stand there, waiting as one. Finally united.
(quietly now) IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY EVER… IT’S THE BEST DAY EVER BEST DAY EVER… They all close their eyes. 5…4…3…2…
ALL (CONT’D) Night falls. They all brace themselves, holding tightly to each other’s hands. A long silence. Nothing happens.
PLANKTON Very slowly, gentle BUBBLES start to fall down from above, accompanied by delicate music. The crowd stands in silent wonder.
SPONGEBOB Look Sandy, bubbles. It worked just how you said. OLD MAN JENKINS (to Sandy, surprised) You did this? SANDY (including SpongeBob and Patrick too) We did. OLD MAN JENKINS (truly moved, to Sandy) Thank you. PERCH PERKINS This just in—Bikini Bottom is saved!
128. Relief sweeps the crowd. Music swells. The Townsfish cheer, hug, fall to their knees, weep with joy. Everything is going to be okay after all! The Mayor makes a pronouncement.
MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM I should apologize for my flagrant abuses of power. Mistakes were made. PLANKTON (to Karen) Like your avalanche idea, for one. KAREN My idea? We came up with it together. PLANKTON Not how I remember it. KAREN PLANKTON Unbelievable. We found the spark again. But as soon as things don’t go perfectly Is it so wrong that I wanted you take it out on me! Unbelievable, Sheldon. to finally get lucky with ONE EVIL SCHEME. He shouted it so loudly that everyone heard. PLANKTON (CONT’D) (sheepish) They all heard that, didn’t they? MR. KRABS I knew this was one of yer schemes, you lousy (instead of profanity, we hear a dolphin sound) PLANKTON How dare you call me a (another dolphin sound) They dolphin-curse at each other. It gets more and more heated. and Pearl tries to break it up. MAYOR OF BIKINI BOTTOM Stop it, please! We need to work together now, to rebuild our home. MR. KRABS (grudgingly) Alright. (turning to SpongeBob) Y’know, I was wrong about you, boy. I think you could be manager someday.
PATRICK (to SpongeBob) Told you. SPONGEBOB I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! MR. KRABS At the same salary, of course. SpongeBob, Sandy and Patrick (absurdly) cheer about the fact that he’s going to be getting the same salary. SPONGEBOB We should celebrate! Let’s have the concert! MRS. PUFF We can’t have a concert without the band. PEARL We don’t need some boy band to rock for us. We can do it ourselves. (she does a rock and roll wail) YEAHHHHHHHHH! Mr. Krabs gapes at her. In awe. And proud. MR. KRABS Pearlie… I had no idea you could sing. They embrace. A moment of connection. LARRY THE LOBSTER I’ll be in any band with that dope voice. Count me in! More enthusiastic responses follow. KAREN Me too! I play a mean glockenspiel. PATRICK Ooh ooh is mayonnaise an instrument? SPONGEBOB Squidward, you’ll be on clarinet of course. SQUIDWARD You want me to perform? Finally! My moment has come, Mama!
PATRICK How about you, Sandy? SANDY It’s time to push on from here. Find someplace I’m a little more welcome. Old Man Jenkins has overheard this conversation. He hobbles over and says to Sandy. OLD MAN JENKINS Wait. The Bikini Bottom Way says “all are welcome here.” That should mean you too. SANDY Appreciate that. But I’m not sure I can trust y’all again. SPONGEBOB I know. (including Old Man Jenkins) but give them another chance? Please?
OLD MAN JENKINS
SPONGEBOB This is your home, Sandy. PATRICK It’s where your team is. Sandy looks at everyone assembled around her. All wanting her to stay. And she decides. SANDY (big smile) Someone get me a gui-tar!! SPONGEBOB (grins, then) Okay everyone, places for the concert! (Everyone rushes off to places. SpongeBob taps on the mic.) Is this thing on? (It is. The conductor hands SpongeBob a ukulele.) Thank you, Maestro. (he calls out) Are you ready… to rock?! (sounds of affirmation from offstage) One two three four! SpongeBob starts to play his ukelele.
* SONG: FINALE: BIKINI BOTTOM DAY REPRISE – by Jonathan Coulton SPONGEBOB (CONT’D)
BUSY DAY STOPPED A VOLCANO, KEPT A TOWN FROM FRYING. Sandy enters, playing a guitar as she sings. As the rest of the characters reenter, they’re all playing instruments too. It’s a flash mob, Bikini Bottom style. SANDY WE FOUND A WAY, EVERYTHING GETS BETTER IF YOU KEEP ON TRYING. SQUIDWARD A SPONGE CAN BE HANDY WHEN YOU’RE CLEANING UP SPILLS MR. KRABS SOMETIMES YOU NEED A HERO WITH SOME MANAGEMENT SKILLS SPONGEBOB HEY THERE, THAT’S ME! HAPPY JUST TO BE HERE IN THE WORLD RENOWNED BIKINI BOTTOM!
SPONGEBOB HOW I LOVE THIS TOWN, BIKINI BOTTOM,
SPONGEBOB WHEN THE SUN SHINES DOWN ALL ON A BEAUTIFUL BIKINI BOTTOM DAY There’s one final surprise in store. A piece of the ceiling comes toppling in from above—followed shortly after by Patchy, rappelling down from the flies on a rope. He broke in through the roof!
PATCHY THE PIRATE Aaar, I told ye I’d be back! (he lands, then sees SpongeBob, and calls to him in utter awe) And there you are! Spongebob counts the song back in. SPONGEBOB (counting them back in) Three…Four… They launch back into the song. ALL IN THE WORLD RENOWNED BIKINI BOTTOM! HOW I LOVE THIS TOWN, BIKINI BOTTOM! WHEN THE SUN SHINES DOWN THE SUN SHINES DOWN WHEN THE SUN SHINES DOWN THE SUN SHINES DOWN ON A BEAUTIFUL BIKINI BOTTOM… Meow.
ALL DAAAAAAAAAAY! The company holds the longest chord ever. Confetti shoots into the air, bubbles fall into the theater, more and more and more until… The song crashes to a close. Black out. CURTAIN CALL. At the end of which: The band slams into a rock-and-roll version of the SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS THEME SONG. During the song, giant yellow beach balls are tossed into the audience, and the company celebrates with the audience.
* SONG: SPONGEBOB THEME SONG – by Derek Drymon, Mark Harrison, Stephen Hillenburg and Blaise Smith ALL (CONT’D) WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS ABSORBANT AND YELLOW AND POROUS IS HE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS IF NAUTICAL NONSENSE BE SOMETHING YOU WISH SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS THEN DROP ON THE DECK AND FLOP LIKE A FISH SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS. The cast dances off. After the band plays out - after most people have progressed up the aisles - we hear: FRENCH NARRATOR And now, it is time to go home. That means all of you. Even you in the third row, you have picked up enough of those streamers. We hope you enjoyed your visit to Bikini Bottom! Au revoir. END OF PLAY.
